I had preop the other day for my up coming phase two of the DIEP the other day. It is like old hat to me now. I sat in the waiting room and this fabulous women sitting next to me who happens to be having surgery same day as me asked if I was that "stupid dumb breast cancer lady". I love that. We chatted, hugged, laughed even found a couple of moments we had tears in our eyes. Her implants didn't take and she is having revisions done, mine shifted so we had a lot to shoot the shit about. That lucky girl got her hospital preop canceled I have to go through that all over again, I mean seriously I have had 6 operations there I am pretty sure I am in the system. But I am going there next week to sit and go through all that arggg.
I went in to talk to my doctor about what we will do and I signed all the papers and got my meds no problems. I am not worried or nervous actually happy to get rid of these dog ears (really that is what everyone calls them) that have puffed on my hips. I can't wait to get these toobies the size I wanted so that part I am feeling good about. I am hoping with everything I can that he can help with these painful scars. That wasn't the issue.
I couldn't help but to think back two years ago at myself walking in there. Naïve to this whole experience thinking that it is simple as you having a lumpectomy, mastectomy, swap and done. What a frigging joke!? Now I must admit that the office never even once told me this, he and the staff told me about revisions, changes and settling. But they never prepared my mind for what was about to happen. How can they? Can anyone explain to someone how emotional the entire cancer process is? How losing your breasts is devastating even though you are glad to be rid of them?
If only I knew how my head was going to be confused about all this. Wanting to be rid of the cancer yet wanting the saggy breasts at the same time. Being happy to be alive yet thinking about dying from cancer and wondering when it will be back. If I only knew that this cancer world doesn't let you leave for many reasons then maybe I wouldn't have acted like a tough girl and said "I can't wait til its over". Its never over. The fact is I wouldn't leave because I have too many friends here now but I hate that we are bond by cancer. I hate that I have lost so many friends and so many more are suffering in ways that isn't right. Cancer SUCKS did you know that?
Don't get me wrong I am not all doom and gloom here. I just feel like doctors really do not let their patients know that not only are you a lifer in their office but your head will be in the game forever. I wish someone would have warned me about this cause I really thought there was an end. Truth is its like a book, you close one chapter and open the next but the story goes on. Your chapters get a little less about cancer but the its always some how finds its way in, the bastard!
September 12 is surgery day , I get my dog ears taken care of and toobs resized. But more importantly my painful scars addressed. They hurt beyond words and make it very difficult to feel any lumps. Gotta do those selfies (you know self breast checks). It is amazing how they have changed, Genevieve is taking pictures next week to show the change. How can one's body do that in two years?? Makes me exhausted to see it then I realize that is me!
Well you know what surgery day means right? SHOE shopping! And the kids go back to school so it is perfect. I am thinking something red, what do you think? But for now this little princess is off to my favorite place, The Great New York State Fair. The fair is one of my happy places, do not judge or hate. There is nothing a little fried pickles can't comfort.