Always wanted a BROTHER
Always wanted a SISTER
My 4th birthday and first memory
The truth is for years I hated my birthday. Really hated it. The year I was born I am so sure my family was thrilled for a new baby, YEAHOOO!! I imagine they went through all my “firsts” and had a great time celebrating my 1st birthday…..Then my mom died, tragically. So for the year of 1973 my family had a lot to deal with but still had this little one that needed attention. I was their distraction from it all. I can only imagine what my 2nd birthday held. I know a family friend had the party, the first anniversary of someone’s death is always the hardest. I am sure they all loved the fact my birthday was the focus, but I can only imagine the heart ache. Year after year that became the case. I could tell they wanted to celebrate but their thoughts went to my mom. I have always felt pressure to have a great birthday yet there was always a cloud over it.  I thought in my warped little head if I didn’t have a birthday she would still be here, crazy but to a child living it seemed like the truth. I excepted my brithday to fix the pain. Years and years of therapy have taught me different. I learned that my birthday had nothing to do with it, duh! Yet still was hard accepting that.

Taught me to iron underware
Daddy's little girl
What cancer taught me, is life! So all those years that I thought I was the reason for the pain I realize they needed my birthday. Birthdays are about life!! I came into their life when they needed to see a smile, they needed a laugh and they needed innocence. My son Ben is wise beyond years and he said to me last night “Your mom died  and showed them death but you showed the how to live”!!! He is so fucking smart it kills me.
Told me about my period!
Spoiled me rotten

So for years they fought over who got to take me places, do things with me, spoil me or just be with me. They still do cause I am that fabulous!! Not because they needed to forget my mom’s death but they needed LIFE. My birthday was important because I was needed. And I needed them to show me love. Every person in these pictures was a mother to me, every person loved me for me, every person needed me…..
Happy Birthday to me!!!
One of the only pictures of my mom holding me
Posted on January 31, 2013 .