Cancer does not define you but it sure changes you

For those just tuning in this post is about last year and my diagnosis with that thing called cancer.......
After my lumpectomy I really wanted to believe there was no problem. Doctor thought it was just papilloma no problem. Tom was going to take the day off, why that is silly there is no problem.  No I just needed to go to my appointment to check it out there was no problem. MC wanted to come, there was no problem so no need. Got there fast and they took me right away, there really was no problem. In walked my doctor, path report in her hand, serious look on her face, PROBLEM. I remember her saying she had to look at my path report a few times and couldn't believe it was me. I said “Because I have cancer.” “Yes, you have cancer”. It was sort of a blur as to what she said next, shit I should have had Tom take the day off, MC should be there cause I have no idea what the hell she is saying, shit shit shit my dad was watching Julian. I walked out of the office thinking what the mother fuck just happened. I seriously wanted to tell the person in the elevator next to me but thought they may think that was odd. I was walking to my car and my phone rings, Nikki calling to check on the appointment. I sat in my car telling her what they just told me. She said "well they have to send it off to a lab, maybe in Maryland" UMMMMMM this is the lab report from Maryland! She kept looking for the silver lining, yet having a hard time finding one. At the same time her voice was a comfort to me.

I drove out in a fog and pulled into Kohl's parking lot to find a disbelieving MC. She sat in the car reading the report with that WTF look. Off to tell my dad next. I asked him to call my sister and brother I didn't feel like dealing. BRIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG my brother called. Yup it is true, WTF. Texted Tom CALL ME ASAP, "what's up?" CANCER that is what is up. I walked in and out of stores that day in a fog. I wanted to shout to everyone "I HAVE CANCER" yet I wanted no one to know. Telling the kids was so hard. I felt like we had lied to them saying it was nothing now it was something. I sent an email out to people and would you believe people thought I was joking! I mean I know I am a wise ass but come on. Then the blog was born! 96,000 views later here we are. It was then time to make decisions, doctor appointments and face reality.

The fact was I felt great and was in excellent shape. I ate pretty damn good and exercised. On the outside I was doing everything right but inside was having a cancer party, who invited that dumb ass! Cancer does not care what you are doing right but I will say that it does help in battling the beast. It doesn't care what you have going on in your life or how difficult your life has been so far. It does not care who you are, your race, sexual preference, gender NOTHING. It is very open minded and hateful at the same time.

I wish this never happened yes. But truthfully it has also brought me closer with some amazing friends that are more like my sisters. I am friends with people all over the world who I never would have met had I not been DX. It has brought my family even closer, was that even possible? It has taught my kids a lesson in life even though I wish it hadn't it has made them stronger. Cancer has helped me help so many others battling. It also has shown my breast to a lot and I mean a lot of people. So, while I do not feel cancer defines me or anyone it definitely changes you. Some for the better some for the worse, I tend to think I am better. My filter button was a little wobbly cancer broke that shit off.

Today I have thought a lot about this year and how my world changed so much. I am still so tired, not sure how to catch up on all that lost sleep. I have gained weight yet lost body parts, how is that fair!? I am scared physically and not sure that the emotional scares will heal any time soon. Physically, emotionally changed for sure but still no matter what and in spite if cancer a princess and don't you forget it.
Posted on June 11, 2013 .