Tomorrow I have the pleasure (sarcasm) of having my yearly MRI, yes I get a yearly MRI. Everyone keeps asking me why. At first I was all defensive and was ready to get on attack then my breastie Lisa wrote a post about how she feels just about this fact. I realized that most people were not judging why I had one but were jealous (not in a bad way but in a I am so scared I wish I had one too way). They wanted any scan to see that the beast was gone but most doctors do not do this. Although I know my breastie downstate Annemarie is having one too this week, she has to do whatever I do! Having a scan never guarantees anything but for a moment after the freak out or course, it does let us breath a sigh of relief. It lets us feel like we are NED for awhile, No Evidence of Disease. Saying cancer free indicates we are free, reality is we are never free of cancer. Trust me we are always reminded.
I had my lumpectomy June 2012 and then my first MRI following that. I remember that day all too well. I was nervous but I really thought the lumpectomy got everything so I was doing ok. Except for the fact that the contrast really messes with equilibrium, MC actually caught me a few times. I remember joking with the techs and laughing thinking all was fine. Then we went back into the room with the radiologist and he showed us the MRI. There were my breasts, those stupid dumb bitches. The right still filled with cancer the left a "probable benign spot"-serious who makes these words up that is ridiculous. MC was asking all these technical questions, I just sat and stared at the screen. It was all lite up in pretty colors letting me think it was a sparkly beauty but really it was in there trying to kill me. The lumpectomy did not work, I needed a mastectomy. And make it a double I did not want that probable spot coming back with a kick.
I had the mastectomy in July 2012 then in April 2013 I found a lump, a skittle if you would. In the exact spot that the original cancer. Mild freak out happened but I did my best to remain calm. My breast care doctor took me that day and she removed it in office, it really was just a skittle! No really just a cyst but how I had a mastectomy? Guess that 1% of breast tissue that was still there. I had an MRI soon after my first yearly and I was clear for take off. Then the DIEP this past December 2013 and my plastics took 2 swollen lymph nodes out from the left side the "probable benign" spot. His words as he has me completely cut open everywhere "I thought FUCK if this is cancer and I can not do her recon she will kill me" came back "unremarkable" another dumbass word. I mean really give me something better than that.
ALL that being said when it is up for a scan there is no wonder I get a little freaked. You see cancer is not cut and dry there are always many variables and everyone's process is so different. I have a feeling that I will be ok but come on cancer has a mind of its own so I am scared to jinx it at the same time. Almost like if I get to cocky it will come back and say "Didn't see that coming did you" so I want to be prepared, but not too prepared. I had someone say to me "oh I had a mammogram the other day I was fine you have nothing to worry about" I get they were making me feel better after a cancer DX a scan just isn't that simple. You get this pit in your stomach like when you are starving but then you go on a roller coaster after eating Christmas dinner. That is how you feel. Then your head jumps in and starts playing these mind games. You want to stay positive but then you have this pain under your arm right were they took nodes out and what if..... But you can not live in that what if world but how do you get out of it??
Plus I see the look on my four boys faces just now as I Sam asked if tomorrow was scan day and I said yes. We went from a simple family game of Uno to 4 boys with turned down smiles thinking what if? They get that it is all different now that that cancer made its appearance once and we didn't see it coming now we don't want a surprise. I refuse to tell them it will be ok because last time I did that I came back a liar. I simply said "positive energy right?" to which Julian replied " good you will be mother" in his best Yoda voice. Nothing like a little Star Wars to break the tension.
So tomorrow they will inject me with contrast, I will get all wonky and MC will steady me out. I will hold my breath until my follow up appointment. OHHHHHHH yeah that appointment is on the day I found my lump. is that a good sign or a bad omen?? I am going with good cause you know what they say....Oh I don't know what the hell they say but I am going with the good! Now hold my tiara while I get my MRI.