I live with depression

It is ok to be sad. It is normal. We become sad for so many reasons. Sadness can be overcome, it is just a passing emotion. It is temporary. Depression is long term, it is both physically and mentally painful but you can not describe the pain. It lasts. Depression is a mental illness. Do not argue with me it is a fact. You can not let depression just pass like sadness and fade away. Some medications give us depression too which is a whole other element. Depression is real and effects so many that hide it or even can not admit.

I live with depression.  

I describe my depression as being in a dark hole. I know that there are people trying to help me I see them but in my depression they are just kicking the dirt and burying me more. I can not see any light because my world went black. I am exhausted but can not sleep. I am irritable but playing happy all at once. I feel guilty for no real reason and like I have failed so many. I have thought about my death and how everyone would react. And it sometimes does not phase me other times brings me to tears.

I have been hospitalized for my depression. It was the worst time of my life but it saved me all at once. I have a failed suicide attempt that I shoved under the carpet because of the stigma. I am not embarrassed any more. After talking to my son about it I realized hiding it was only hurting us and me.  I am a constant risk factor. Trauma, so much trauma. Cancer diagnosis. MS diagnosis. Drug abuse. Medication adjustment. All play a heavy part in my depression. Yes I still hide because “I am strong”, “I can it” it is all too much.

Strength looks different on so many but how we view it for ourselves is a game changer. I hide behind my strength. It is easy to be strong for that friend or happy for that family member. It is hard  to say “I can not today”. The pressure comes when people expect strength. When what you are really craving is “It is not your fault”, “Do you need space?”, “How is your mental health?”. But what you get is “You can handle anything”. Bull shit some days I want to go back to that hole and find my release.

Some days I want to be done. Others I celebrate the small victories. And some days are ok. It is ok to be just ok. Striving for happiness is a thing of the past. I strive for content. Some days I am on edge and anything will set me off. Some days I need a random call from a friend to save me.

A safety plan is always in place for me. Who do I call, what should I be doing, how do I get out of the hole. I am not writing this because I am in the dark hole but because I stand on the edge daily. Yes I know my family, my friends my life are all things I should remember but when you are on that edge and the pain is real your mind tells you how they will be ok without you.

We do not know who is depressed or who is struggling in life. That is why we must talk. We must open up. We have to grab those hands and pull each other up. It is vital to all existing in this world. Stop hiding behind the stigma and being embarrassed of this. I am not and I will stand with you. Discussing depression or suicide will not increase any thoughts or actions, it will only show you care and we are not alone.

Some days my tiara is not adjusted. Some times my tiara needs a friend to help me straighten it. I know who those friends are and I thank them for saving me.

Sick and tired

I am going to rant, bitch, scream maybe even yell a little so if you are not in the mood for that I suggest you not read. I have been in a funk. Trying so hard to "snap out of it" but I really can not. Admittedly so I have suffered hard with depression my whole friggin life and it sucks. You get in this hole and try as hard as you can to crawl out to get to that light sometimes the dirt, crap if you will topples on you. Yes I know all of that you are alive junk and you have a beautiful family BS and you are such a princess stuff helps but when you are in that hole it is hard to see that. Add cancer on top and it is like the hole because more like a ditch filled with snakes and nasty bugs!

I want so bad to get back to where I was but I know physically that is never going to be. Between the new body and the aches add the lymphedema and the cording and basically I'm screwed.  I actually hate going to the gym, which just pisses me off. Those stupid people working out and not realizing that they are lucky they can without issues, dummies. I just want to do triceps dips without my arm giving out, is that too much too ask. I guess it is?! It really is a mind fuck because you are starting to feel a little normal then you go to do a sit up and BAM you can't because your gut was sliced in half. I have a constant reminder with the scars every time I undress but that is a broken record that I do not need to keep replaying here, well maybe not in this rant. Or your arm puffs up because you over worked it without your sleeve on trying to act all "cancer free" (blahahahaha). I know lucky to be alive, I know,

The best thing for depression and getting healthy is sleep, blahahahaha. What the hell is that?? Show me one person that has had cancer that went to sleep without a sleep aid 4 nights in a row and I swear to god I will make them dinner for a WEEK. Better yet if they slept for more than 4 hours. Your mind goes, bling blong bing bong- let's think about your neuro appointment, now let's try to find a way to get comfortable, wait did you take your meds, oh crap now I have a head ache, oh man here comes a hot flash,  I wonder if I have a doctor appointment next week too, will I make it to my 5 year mark, do penguins have knees, now I have to get up in an hour,  I wonder if Seporah is awake, I hope Tali feels better, Ugh I have to make lunches, is there anything else I can think about?? You see as much as I want to sleep I can not, your mind will not shut off no matter what. It was bad before cancer, worse now. I thought it was me then I went on twitter or IG and I see all those others awake and realize crap this is an issue. How can I get more than just 4 hours? Maybe I do need those pot brownies!

I am sick and tired of my friends getting sicker and sicker. I can not take that. It makes me so mad. I hate what they are going through not just on a I can image but on a I get it. I see what they are going through, understand it, am right there with them. I want to help them desperately and HATE that I can not. I am not a research scientist and will never have the cure, I can only offer my friendship. And skittles, screw the sugar! I wonder if people were always getting sick from cancer or is there more cases. Am I just in this world now? Some say maybe you need a break, no this is my therapy. Helping my friends helps me. Without them I would feel lost. It is therapeutic to not feel alone, misery does love company after all.

Without them, that is the part that breaks my heart. I have lost so many beautiful friends. Amazing, strong brave friends. I have friends that are stage IV and I know what will happen as do they. When we talk or email it is there but we try to not utter it but how can we not. I think of an email back and forth one day between Seporah and I both having a shitty day. What can I do for you she asked me, "don't leave me" I said, "I won't" she said. What the actual fuck, this is life this is cancer this is how friends who have cancer talk to each other. I am sick and tired of losing these amazing friends. Ones I never had the chance to squeeze and hug, I am a hugger you know!

Depressed, pissed off, annoyed and all together angry. I know, I know it is time to get a grip so here is the thing. The sun will rise it always does, phew. I will look to some positive energy (who has some today?) and I will take their good juju and embrace it. Cause there is one thing for sure as sick and tired as I am over this letting stupid dumb cancer crap take ahold I will push through it into the light. I need good, loving vibes I believe in it I also will give it right back out to you cause I know you need it too. After I of course soak it up, sure hope it has some glitter in there. Let me just say this tiara is not falling off, don't you worry (or try to take it cause I will smack you!).