Posts tagged #lump

One Lump a plenty

I hate dates they are dumb reminders of shit that stress us out. Seriously think about-anniversary, birthdays, secretary day if you forget people get all offended you forgot. Then you have days that people die who the hell wants to remember that! Then when you get "the cancers" you get a whole boat load of dates. The day you found it, the day they told you, your surgery, treatment dates, when you are deemed cancer free OY too much. The only date that sits with me is the day I found that lumpy bastard. See I have lumpy breasts and this was "normal" to find a lump but this one was different and I knew it. my world changed that day.

Right before that dreaded lump discovery I had pulled myself up from 2 years of severe depression. I am talking BAD. I was just seeing the light shining and feeling good and this lump appeared with black nasty oozing out of it. Or did the depression bring that tumor on, hmmmmm oh that is another blog post let's stay on the topic. When you find that lump that is so different than all the others you can feel your world change, a shift in the atmosphere. At fist Tom thought and said "oh AM here you go" then he felt it and said "FUCK", his world shifted too.

That day became the what if's and the can in it be's. The is this happening to me and how did I get here. The it could be nothing and the I know it is cancer. The don't Google and the WebMD searches. The day I looked at women who had breast cancer with even more pride and with those who were bitching about their fucking manicures like assholes. The day I hugged my kids tight even though they were loud and driving me crazy. That day I knew I was going to be ok but I was so scared I was not going to be. How can one day change everything so quickly?

One lump is all it takes to scare you, to change everything and make you look at everything in a different way. Whether that lump turns out to be benign or filled with the cancer beast it smacks the shit out and will make you reflect. DCIS, inflammatory Triple negative, IDC, metastatic, lobular, male breast cancer all need to be addressed and acknowledge not pitted against each other like a boxing match. We all have our own challenges in life and no one can ever for a second understand how someone else's DX effect them. That one lump or non-lump changes how we look at the world it should not be how we look at cancer. 

Today is my lump day and I will spend it getting my yearly MRI, ugh. I hate scans not because I worry they will come back bad but the process is very hard on my body now. Everything from the injection to the scan to how I respond after.  Try getting a line in an arm with cording or one with lymphedema. Listening to the DING DIGN GRRRRRRRR BLGGGGGGTTTTTTTTTTTT while you suffer from tinnitus is pure joy! My body is not what it used to be that is for sure. Cancer attacked me and it started with that fucking lump!

Yearly MRI 2013

Yearly MRI 2013



There are all different dates people hold close to them during this stupid dumb cancer process. Some celebrate those dates, some have mild freak outs and some just let them pass. There ia much debate as to which date to "honor" (boy that sounds so friggin dumb I don't want to honor any of them). But needless to say when they pop up we find ourselves doing that. Well maybe not honor lets call it reflecting. For me the mastectomy date melts into all the other surgeries that followed, the day I was told "You have cancer" was a dream like state and all the rest plays out like a jumbled mess. But the day I found that every loving lump is embedded in my mind like a nightmare I can not ever shake. I had lumpy breast so finding a lump was typical but this was so insanely different.

It wasn't even so much as a regular self breast check nope it was my arm laying on my breast and I felt it. I remember thinking it was in my head. I called Tom who literally rolled his eyes because you see I found a lump all the time. I had these lumpy, dense breasts and had been getting mammograms for 10 years watching all sorts for cysts. But he played the game and felt it. When he pressed my breast to feel for it black sludge came out of my nipple his words "what the fuck is that?". Now if you know my husband he isn't a WTF guy, he's more laid back but seeing black sludge come out like a fountain on top of a real lump was a "WTF" moment. The day proceeded with me meeting my girlfriend MC at a breast cancer volunteer function where we through out the afternoon went into the bathroom to feel my breast and watch the sludge come out. I met a breast cancer survivor that day that had just finished her last radiation and I remember distinctly thinking how incredibly gorgeous she was. I needed that girl that day, who I will later met almost a year later and I will call her my pink sister. Her face got me through that May 5th 2012.

The day I found that lump was a Saturday which made for the longest weekend of my ever loving life. It took forever to get to Monday to 8:30 when my GYN office opened to when I heard Gia's voice. She immediately made a mammo/sono appointment for that afternoon. I went and kept thinking its nothing, could be anything, probably nothing but was whispering "you got cancer don't be a dumbass" the whole time. The office that did the mammo was one I went to all the time for all my previous mammos and sonograms and was really hoping my regular girl was there, it wasn't. For some reason this made me want to cry I really wanted her there. So the tech did the mammo where black, thick discharge oozed all over the machine "I don't see anything on the image" she said to me. Seriously cause the thing just exploded on the plexiglass!!  We went into the sono room where she took he wand went over the lump-"I can feel it when I go over it but nothing is coming up". Are you kidding??? So she checks the normal box and tells me to follow up in six months. Yes this really is what happened. I remember driving over to my GYN office thinking maybe I should believe her, but there was that whisper.

When I got there my doctor and his fabu staff took me in room and that was that. He decided that I was seeing a breast care doctor that a lump with black discharge was far from normal and that he wanted it looked at sooner than later. Have I ever said how much I love my GYN?? Have I ever said how much I love his staff??? How not only do I really believe that he got me into a doc fast that I believe he saved my life?? I am so beyond lucky to have a doctor that not only listened to my fears but knew that this was not normal.

Today is my "Cinco de Lumpo" the day that changed in my life forever. The day I found a real lump. The day my husband had a big WTF moment. The day I realized how important it is to advocate for yourself, to have doctor in your corner. The day that a self breast check showed me that it does work. The day that a mammo and sono failed me. The day that being a breast cancer survivor meant more than wearing a pink ribbon.  The day that began the most surreal summer of my life. The day that tilted my tiara ......just a little.  

We both were wondering what was in my stupid dumb breast but at the same time we knew...

We both were wondering what was in my stupid dumb breast but at the same time we knew...