Posts tagged #stiletos

My mastectomy is 2 years old

Someone did not find me amusing, guess who it was?

It has been two years since the wheeled me away. I am not one to have a celebration of any kind when these dates come up I find them too intense.  They hit you in the face like WWF smack down. Sometimes you see them coming and try to prepare other times they come at you with no warning. I obviously remember very clear that my mastectomy was in July but with kids home (I friggin can not wait for September) I lost track of the date. Until I downloaded this stupid "Timehop" app all the cool kids are doing. And it gave me a friendly reminder that it has bee 2 years since the amputation of my breasts. What a concept, to remove ones breasts? I mean come on say what you want it is hard to say good bye to them. They are part of a women on so many aspects, we literally grew up with them. And now because some screwed up cells are being stupid and dumb they have to come off. It seems cut and dry but you must not forget that breasts are hormone producers removing them messes with our hormones. Crap no one told me that. Its almost like PMSing for 2 years , blahahahaahah not funny!

I wish I could remember this more, I was so drugged up!

I wish I could remember this more, I was so drugged up!

Harsh sounding I am sure some of you reading may think, but we have debated this topic on many sites and there has been plenty of blogs written about it as well. There is truth in the reality that your breasts are amputated off. There is truth in the reality that it is a death of sorts the loss of your breasts is real. See the truth is not just in all the obvious physical changes but the emotional havoc that your wonderful doctors do not prepare you for. Maybe they have no clue about it. They should wake the hell up and warn people. It has been two years and I have come a long way but the date like any anniversary whether we want it to or not conjures all those damn emotions. And let me state there are a TON of dates to remember.

Some of us cry tears that will not, can not, won't stop the weeks even hours before surgery because of the loss. Some take to singing and dancing trying their best to embrace this amputation because the reality is you have no other choice. I choose the "no crying" rule, to wear attitude shoes to remind me to stand tall with strength. Even though I was scared I was brave because that meant doing what needed to be done regardless of the fear.  There is no right or wrong way in my opinion there is only your way.

I hate when people ask "what  would you have done different?". Frankly my answer is I wouldn't have gotten cancer! I hated beening shoved into a mastectomy, a lumpectomy or whatever you choose. That part is what pisses me off. I do not do well with being told what to do especially by cancer the fucker! I hate the chooses we are forced to make. I had no choice but to have a mastectomy and drains and all the shit that happened after. But that day was surreal more than any other. The nurses kept saying "your having a breast augmentation" while it was funny the first 5 times it pissed me off after that. I didn't want to have this but shit if I was I was going to laugh while doing it. I blogged to keep everyone updated plus Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer was growing and because it was and is my therapy.

I look at the images that Genevieve said "hey how about if I take pictures" and am still blown away. Mostly because I can't remember them, not just from the drugs and the pain but it was an out of body experience. I know those images have helped me heal but I also know how they have helped others. Seeing someone actually go through this process makes you realize that you can do it no matter how shitty it will be that in the end some how you will be ok. Not to mention she can make a mastectomy look beautiful. No really that sounds weird but I think the reality to my images is that she captures the raw, truth in a beautiful way. Gen has seen breast cancer in a way that none of my friends have and I will never be able to thank her enough for helping me heal this way.  I do not think she understands fully the impact of these images on the masses, I hope someday she understands just what these pictures that we had no idea what the hell we were going to do with have done for so many.

So, here I am two years later and still in the thick of it. Next surgery September 12, it really is never over. I remember in my first blog post and in talking to friends the naïve me said "I just want this mastectomy so I can be done with it" what I joke! I had no clue that between the doctors, the PT, the scans, the blood work, lymphedema and all the other crap it is a life long commitment. I get that there are other health issues that people suffer from and I know they can relate to a lot of what I blog about but those with health stuff that they can change with diet and exercise make me nuts. Like crazy nuts!! I was violently thrown into this life and the past 2 years have taught me a rough lesson, one I am still learning from.  I am becoming a professional surgery princess, is there a crown for that?

While I will not be celebrating my mastectomy date today I will be around my loud crazy family for Sunday dinner. Jokes will be cracked, comments made and wise ass remarks all over spaghetti and chicken parm all with a little sadness in the back of our minds. Cancer effects the whole family and they all felt it. That day 2 years ago I laid on a gurney, was wheeled down the hall in stilettos while they sat and worried I got the easy part for a few hours. They were scared and even came out changed a little too I think.  But they were right there when I awoke from recovery, hey someone has to clap as the princess goes by!  


Shoes, attitude shoes

Stilettos before a mastectomy, please?! Some very rude woman sent me a private message saying "You are dumb to worry about shoes you should worry about cancer".  Yet she never asked me why I did. Just made some judgmental comment knowing absolutely nothing about me and my reasons. And it dawned on me had I ever explained why, mind you I do not need to but I think maybe just to be a nice pink princess I will. The reality is we are so quick to judge how someone handles a situation when it its how we would we do not think that maybe they needed it to be that way. Maybe just maybe those stilettos helped, well yes they did!

Glinda the Good Witch- “You had the power all long”

Glinda the Good Witch- “You had the power all long”


I will start with the pink sparkly ones that I strutted into my mastectomy with. I am all of 4 feet 11 inches and have no choice but to wear heels. If I do not I am a midget, no really I am a legal one in some states. My BFF is significantly taller than I so whenever we are together I make sure I wear heels. Her daughter has forever loved to come over and find her way to my closet and try on my shoes. There was a time when my shoes were too big for her since then I have taken her hand me downs gladly! What is it about putting on a pair of stilettos that makes you feel so WOW?? I saw it every time Riley would rock my shoes, but I would feel it when I put them on. Something comes over you. When I wear heels I feel strong, powerful and full of attitude. Riley saw these shoes and decided I needed them for my surgery. How brilliant is this child at 12?? After a pedi (yes before my surgeries I always get a pedi) I opened the box. I looked at Riley and Nikki and  said "I am wearing these into surgery. Cancer can take a lot but not my sparkle.". They both squealed with delight because they were hoping I would say that. These shoes gave me attitude and I wanted as much attitude as I could get.

I think about how when you go for your prom dress, wedding gown or any party attire when you try on the shoes they make the outfit because they give it the attitude. Now let's admit that hospital gown needs some bling for sure. The shoes with that gown changed the mood. Everyone would walk in and stop and SMILE. I was dubbed "the Diva in heels" and I was completely fine with that. They all wanted to see if I could walk in them which cracked me up and kept me laughing which is the best medicine. Now I am not saying this was a light subject no way was a mastectomy, swap, hysterectomy, and DIEP easy or light. But I needed to be calm and laughing, smiling and having power was how I was going to handle it. This was the way I choose to deal with my process, this is after all my story of stupid dumb breast cancer not yours, isn't it? So why really does anyone care if I wear heels, if someone sings and dances, if someone cries or if someone silently goes down to surgery? We are all so different I do not expect anyone to fill my shoes must least wear them!

Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it.

Strong women wear their pain like stilettos. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is the beauty of it.

Sometimes those stilettos sat at the end of the bed because I physically could not put them on. The pain, the medication, the surgery were all taking over. But they were never far from reach always there to remind me that there was strength in a shoe, in me. The pink ribbon is fine for some but a stiletto now that is power. See sometimes I didn't wear them I just needed to see them to make me see that I could still sparkle with power and all the attitude I needed to over come the beast that lurked inside of me! I wanted to be reminded that somehow I was going to still be able to walk in those again even if at that moment I could not.

“A woman and her shoes… it’s a beautiful thing.”

“A woman and her shoes… it’s a beautiful thing.”

I did however send a pair of shoes to two of my sweet darling friends who were in their teens. Jackie who battled cancer and called them here chemo heels and guess what they did for her?? They made her SMILE!!! She even wore them to prom. Did they stop her chemo for making her ill or make it less scary? No way but for a moment they brought her just the smile she needed.  The other darling was my ray of sunshine Lola, who has taken wings. Lola could not walk in the heels she was too weak but they still made her laugh and bright a glimmer of life to her that day. Those crazy ass heels did not cure Lola's cancer they did not stop it from spreading but they made her laugh, loud and carefree. Her mother was grateful for those heels that day when Lola played in that beautiful moment.  For those moments a pair of shoes have become a beautiful thing at a dark time.  

“You put high heels on and you change.”- Manolo Blahnik

“You put high heels on and you change.”- Manolo Blahnik

When I wore those sparkly pink stilettoes I felt powerful like there was no stopping me. I wanted them on my feet hours after surgery which gave the nurses and my father a mild heart attack. My father actually cut off my blood flow because he was scared to let go of me, shhhhh do not tell him but if he did I would have let go I would have fallen. Here is a secret even though I put those heels on and walked to the door to prove that I could I needed my daddy to hold me. Which was ok, it was better than ok. It was what we both needed at that point. I felt strong and he felt needed. See cancer doesn't just effect the person who has it but it effects every person that loves them and I have this big ass ever loving family. They needed those shoes just as much as I did. The stilettos gave them something to think about, focus on, laugh at and bitch about. To see me wearing them reminded them that I was still their princess and I was going to pull through this stupid dumb breast cancer.  Yes a changed version but sparkly tiara wearing me.

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.  Marilyn Monroe

Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world.

Marilyn Monroe


So next time you judge someone for wearing stilettos to their mastectomy, chemo or grocery story shut your friggin mouth! How someone deals with their  life is about them and has nothing to do with you. Maybe just smile and clap your hands as they go by. Only a true princess can wear 6 inch stilettos and never once let her tiara tip.