Worthy

**************************************TRIGGER WARNING********************************************

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Just 8 minutes but it felt like forever I sat there a little dumb founded wondering if that really happened or if I was so drunk it imagined it. I was 16 years old at a party-like always my boyfriend and I were in a huge fight so I was flirting with a guy he hated. Typical high school drama. I am getting sick just typing this. I was drunk which was actually unlike me because I hated to feel that way but I was in a horrible mood. I was sitting on the couch and this guy who was 3 years older and real trouble was next to me. Also typical for me to be looking at danger. I knew better but was so upset I couldn't think straight plus add the alcohol. My best friend sitting on the arm of the couch right next to me. He inched closer telling me all the right things. “You are so cute” playing with my hair. Ugh I feel sick. I can actually still smell the room. The his hand landed on my thigh (I actually am light headed writing this). I told him to get his hand off of me., he rolled his eyes. I was so confused why was he touching me I did not want to even kiss him I was just trying to piss off my boyfriend. He moved his hand into my pants right there with all those people around us. Grabbed my breasts and I said "get your fucking hands off me now". His eyes showed no care much less for me. He laughed he laughed and I was scared, I never got scared. He shoved me back on the plaid couch that was so scratchy I hate that material now, I realized this was happening. My friend was frozen, not her fault. He unzipped his pants how could he be aroused? This was disgusting. Looking at me he pulled my pants down just enough. No one paid one signal attention. I swear I yelled but nothing came out, the music was loud and people I am sure thought we were “making out”. He did it and that was that. I sat there so shook. He zip up and said "you ain't worth it" and like that walked away. It was that easy, for him. My hands tremble as I type.

It was only about 8 minute long but I know it lasted longer I stopped breathing for that time. I grabbed my best friend as fast as I could we ran to the bathroom and I threw up violently. My whole body hurt. I told her what happened and she cried cause she saw and could not stop it. We sat on the floor and cried how did I get here. She knew I couldn't tell anyone but her. If I told my boyfriend he would have went after the guy. I am serious about this. About a month later he ended up in jail so I felt better there. Looking back I realize I should have told but I was so scared of what would have happened I just couldn't. Telling her helped me get the emotions out that was what I needed the most. I do not think we have spoken of it since but certain times she will text me or remind me and I know she remembers.

The worst part wasn't the assault because I felt like I stood my ground. But truth is you don't have to have penetrated to have been a sexual assault. The hardest part was being told me I was not worth it. What was I not worth? A rape? Sex? I thought about that for days after months really and any time I see "you are worthy". What was I not worth that night and I am so glad I wasn't?! That makes me even sicker than what happened. Our worth is a value that only we can place not someone trying to take from us. Not someone trying to steal a piece of our soul. When we stand up for our selves we are proving just how worthy we are of ourselves. Even when we say no and the speakable happens we are worthy. I recently sent a tweet out and a guy who I went to high school with “liked it”. Well he was more than a “guy” we dated a little. He was pretty awesome but I always thought he was too good for me. Mostly because of not feeling worthy. He had no idea that if it was not for him I would have never felt worth as a teen. He would sneak into my house and one night actually said “that was so worth it”. I realized that I am more than that attack.But truth is when he reacted to my tweet it validated so many years of feeling less than. I sobbed when he did. I am worthy.

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When my oldest son turned 16 and I got sick. What if he becomes one of them? Then the second son and I felt sick again. Where did we go wrong in our society that this was acceptable? That you felt scared to tell you were attacked? That some man thinks this is ok? I raised my boys from the beginning to ask permission, be respectful, never be with someone under the influence, make sure you have protection and always always remember that person is worthy.

Posted on September 27, 2018 .