How to talk to someone with breast cancer from someone with breast cancer

You know that moment you see the person you just heard has breast cancer and you want to say something helpful? It is sort of awkward and you want them to know that you are thinking of them. Should you come out and say it? Should you top toe around? Pretend like you do not know? What do you do? I am always looking to be ever so helpful so I am here guide you through this. Caution use of foul language to follow. Let me tell you what NOT to say or do....

1. "I heard you were sick?" Listen, I am not sick!! I feel fanfreakingtastic (yes that is a word). Breast cancer is working its magic inside me and not effecting my outside at all. I do not have the flu I have breast cancer!
2. "Everything will be OK". No shit in like 8 months when this is behind me but for right now things are tough.... doctor appointments, phone calls, surgeries, the anticipation being scared (yes I am scared so get over it) and the upcoming PAIN. All not OK, yes it will be but I am living in the here and now.
3. "How are you doing?" Take a guess?! My summer is on edge, I have stupid dumb breast cancer and about to under go a major operation. Honestly, how the eff do you think I am?? Plus if you are asking me then the 15 other people before you asked too, I am friggin sick of answering that (wait I just said I wasn't sick, OPPS).
4. "Let me know what I can do to help?" OK this one gets Tom going too. You could take the kids to Disney (that is Tom's response). I know you want to be helpful but do not offer if you really are just looking for something to say cause I may ask you to take me to get a bikini wax and hold my hand. Plus, just do something to help do not say it. It is hard enough to ask for help so just get on task.
5. The head tilt, do not tilt to the side and ask any of the above. It makes people with breast cancer feel like you "feel sorry" for them. I mean yes you feel bad but no one wants that pity look. Makes me violent I tell you.
6."My Uncle Louie's wife's great aunt's mother had breast cancer, it was horrible and she died". OK, really if it is not 1st person and not a good outcome save it. Nothing is worse than hearing about someone dying from breast cancer, trying to live here! Think positive, no negativity here.

OK so I am sure some of you are like "Shit I did that (or all of that)". Do not worry I am giving you a bye because I know it all comes from the heart. I am also giving you advice. Here is some great things to say and do....

1. "Damn girl you are looking fine! Breast cancer looks good on you"
2. "Those new boobs will be killer with that top"
3. "I know you do not need it but I am sending you lots of positive energy" (I will even take prayers here)
4. "I know there is nothing I can do to stop this which has got to suck, so feel free to punch me"
5. "Wanna get drunk?"
6. "Wow you are going kick breast cancer's ass so bad it dies"

And last but not least...."I know you wanted those pink Christian Louboutin so I got them for you".

Hope you all found this humorous, if you did not oh well I am the one with stupid dumb breast cancer you guys are just need something to do! :)

FOOTNOTE....This is for Alissa. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT tell a breast cancer bitch about to get a double mastectomy to go see a Chinese Herbalist instead!! She is so luckY I love her forever:)
Posted on July 12, 2012 .