Dear Stupid Dumb Lymphedema

Dear Lymphedema,

Hope this finds you feeling as crappy as you have left my arm. I just wanted to express my thoughts about our relationship. You have left me with a bum right arm; don’t you realize that is my smacking arm??? Let us first discus the work out aspect of our hateful relationship. Did you know I LOVE pushups and burpees?? Well I do and you have left me no choice but to do them the pansy way. I mean how dare you take my pushups away, they makes me feel like a badass when I have my feet on the wall and I am yelling at MC to do 5 more. I will get there just to piss you off.

Second let’s talk cooking; you must be a fucking idiot because I am the cook in the family. I flipped a grilled cheese last week (by grilled cheese I mean roasted jalapeño, cream cheese fakin bacon, apricot preserves on homemade bread, not some bullshit American cheese crap!!) the whole thing fell apart because I have no gripe in this god for saken swollen dumb ass arm/hand you left me with. Do not even get me started about cutting a loaf of bread!!

Third, there is the “do’s and don’ts”. Like do NOT cut your cuticle, oopss did that. No scented lotions are you kidding me I am a vanilla and black currant freak! Do not get IV, BP, or blood work in that arm, CRAP. Guess the whole hysterectomy with them taking my BP solely in that right arm screwed me?? Maintain an optimal weight, again crap I have gained 20+ pounds. And the one that pisses me off like no one’s business….”WEAR WELL-FITTING, PROPER SHOES”, you do realize that I am show obsessed, like the higher the better!!

In closing I would like to tell you what I am going to do. I am going to wear a cool ass, blinged out LympheDiva ( compression sleeve and show my warrior sisters that Lymphedema has nothing on us. I am going to strengthen that arm and smack you back to next week. I am going to stay on this with my fabulous PT lady and keep you from getting into my life more. I will stomp you out with my heels (something need to stay the same). All in all I hope you do not get too comfortable in my life because I have no room for you swollen, painful ways!


Ann Marie

AKA Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer ass kicker!
Posted on March 18, 2013 .