May 5th 2012
“Crap is that a friggn lump?
TOMMMMMMMM I think I found a lump”
“Oh brother here we go” (eyes rolling)
“No really feel this” Silence, pure silence.
Tom feels the lump and this dark, black; crap comes oozing out of my nipple like an oil spill. “FUCK, what the mother fuck was that?!" this was Tom saying this not me. It was so messed up to see that ooze out of me it freaked him and believe me he watches 4 babies come out of me so he doesn’t freak easily. Yup it is a lump but it can’t be cancer, no friggin way. Tom's first reaction was UGH because I found "lumps" all the time. BUT nothing can prepare you for what a solid lump feels like and the wave of emotions that come over you in a split second! Fear, panic, mortality all running through your head and pushing them out is not an option.
I had to get ready for Race for the Cure registration, I text MC …..
“SHIT BALLS I have a lump and there is black ooze coming out”
“What the hell did you just say?”
“OMG reread it I am getting in the shower”
The next came a million questions, have you met the woman she asks a lot. But we decided that she would feel it at open registration. So I head over and leave Tom home with the boys and a computer, BAD IDEA. Google is the devil when you are looking for medical help. If you look far enough it says you are fine just a clogged duct but if you look a little farther it says breast cancer. no it cannot be!
Walking into the center Kate and Deb are sitting there having a chat…
“I found a lump” (there was no stopping the tears)
“What are you serious?” (Why would I joke about this, ok I do joke but cancer no way?)
“Yes, it is probably nothing”
“Go home you don’t have to be here”
“Yes I do”
For some reason I felt like I had to be there. I know being around that pink, breast cancer crap was a little much but something told me to stay. I kept watching the race video from last year and hearing myself say “Can you imagine a cure?” UMMMM I can’t imagine this fucking lump in my boob right now.
In runs MC…
“Let’s go to the bathroom. Take your shirt off” (get your mind out of the gutter this is a breast cancer blog not porn)
“It is right here feel it and press a little”
“Jesus Christ it’s a lump and what is that sludge? It is probably just a clogged duct.”
You know when someone tells you something and you want desperately to believe those words but you can see the fear in their eyes. I knew at that moment it was cancer but I tried so hard to think “WHAT IF?” what if wasn’t??!!! I sat there in a fog making small talk and wondering if this lump was destroying me inside. I sat there and watched people come in to register for a race that was about breast cancer and I had a fucking LUMP. I sat and watched my kids helping out because I was so involved in the race for the past 7 years and they really love being a part of this day. I sat there and thought WTF breast gods all I do for breast cancer awareness you give me a mother fucking lump. If this is nothing and only supposed to teach me a lesson I get it. Message heard. I sat there and every now and then felt the lump, YUP still there.
In walks Linda with her husband and mother. I watched as she came up to Kelly…
“Would you like to register?”
“Yes we would. I just finished radiation. I will be a survivor this year.”
I looked at her standing there with her incredible smile, her eyes lighting up and her loved ones next to her and I was overcome. I thought I swear if this is stupid dumb breast cancer I am going to be just like Linda with a smile, light and my family, I am going to be a survivor. I never knew Linda’s name until last month but I think of her every day. I think of her eyes and her smile and how they game me hope. She has been and always will be my inspiration. Every time I think about her I cry just a little for her survival and what she meant to me.
Your mind is a funny thing remembering what it wants when. I cannot remember shit anymore and sometimes I think I remember something and realize that it didn’t happen to me but I saw it on an episode of Melrose Place (what I can so be Amanda Woodward). I can remember my kid’s births cause that really hurt especially #3 I think that resident still gets nightmares over me, the day my friend Lisa died and Phil that was heart breaking, walking down the aisle holding my dad’s arm to be marry my TFO but everything else seems to faded. I blame the pot, cancer and menopause depending on what the memory is and when in my life it happened. But this day my lump day is like it was yesterday, it changed my life. Yes the obvious, my body but the emotional battle is no joke. Unless you had heard those words “You have cancer” you cannot understand this, do not try because I will rip you apart. I have been thinking about this day all week sometimes making me shake my head as to where I have come sometimes making me cry that this even happened and sometimes making me proud of what has become. A little rollercoaster for sure, I have done a very good job keeping that tiara on this lumpy ass bumpy ride.
The last thing I did that day was text Nikki I needed a silver lining.
“I found a lump"
Well ya gotta cut loose, footloose kick off your .... (that is her ring tone she didn't text she called)
"Well don't Google it" (when I knew the minute I hung up she was going to).
"Too late Tom did a little, it is probably nothing come on, I mean that would be nuts"
Then she said what every princess wants to hear "Let's go get a pedi" ......