Caring kids....

Join us on December  22 for 1-3pm at the Towne Center Community room located in back of Target, as we make cards or posters for the cancer patients at the areas radiology and oncology centers. Stupid dumb breast cancer would love to have enough for all the centers. This event is for children in first grade and up. The older children will pair up with the younger ones to help with the writing. Parents must stay!!! We will have hot cocoa and cookies. This event is a great way to show the children that there are people battling for their life even during the holidays. I will be taking donations of poster boards, paper, stickers, hot cups, napkin, hot cocoa, and packages cookies before the event so please contact me amandtom@msn.com . This is an open house event, you do not need to be here for 2 hours, stop in make a card and get on with the hustle of the day. . 

Ok so another idea! For those not in New York but want to participate, have your kids make the cards and send to me. Or send them to your local Oncology/Radiology center, just tell them Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer sent you!

My girl wants to party all the time

Cousin and gal pal, LOL

My GIRL!!!

Shots anyone??

So there is this girl I love...



Shot boy and shot girl

One of these people owes me a carpet cleaning, LOL

PARTY!!

Cheese girl

"I never get a pic of you guys doing a shot"

If you did not know, I LOVE a party. The bigger the better, the louder the funner  (I put that in for Tom he loves my spelling) and the more the merrier. We love to throw a “Kick off the Holidays” party every year; next year will be 10 years! This year the party held so much meaning. Yes, everyone was happy I am doing well, they were all there to raise a glass to celebrate life, almost everyone had a splash of pink on and they all loved the shots (almost 300, is that wrong??), But for me it was about so much more. I kept looking around at the people that helped in so many ways and could not help to get misty eyed; I was not going to cry because I was the princess of the party!!!  I watched as my family and friends danced around to some loud music, they ate the food I made (ok I did buy some of that shit but hey I have cancer!!), they begrudgingly took the shots that I pushed on them, but what they did most was SMILE!! My house was filled with so much positive energy I can still feel the love.  There were so many funny, happy, crazy moments I keep reflecting and cracking up.  

Sister in laws, friends too

Best shoes, well except mine:)

I do not think Bill Cosby intended pudding to be in a shot!

Breast exam

OK SERIOUSLY a TRADITION

Seriously Margret are you sure he is of age?

Much easier without the cookies!

You can dance....for inspiration!!

 

How cute are they?

me and "G"

BEAUTIFUL

DUCK FACE

Hey Tom....

Things that cracked me up…..

·         Nothing like the minister’s wife YELLING “HEY HONEY FEEL HER BOOBS THEY ARE FREEZING!!!” I wonder if his sermon had that in it???

·         The night was complete with my sister doing a shot (or 2), which she NEVER does!

·         My brother insisting all he ate was shrimp and “that spinach thing, was anyone near the table while he ate and ate and ate, LOL!

·         My girl Karen and her husband getting down, DAMN Nat I did not know you had those moves!

·         My husband’s SHOES!!! Even he sparkled.

·         My son Ben telling me “Mom really you should have made pink Jell-O shots:, he is right, next time Elana!!!

·         Having 2 great seniors as DD and making them stay up past their bedtime

·         A sweet friend who will remain nameless dropping her coffee mug then stepping back and busting her ass on the floor, sorry I laughed first, hope you are ok?! BLAHAHAH

·         My cousin Tom wearing his food and drink, stay classy kid.

·         Ted and his argyle socks

·         Rosie taking home the leftovers from her Barbie drink

·         Look at these drinks that someone left FULL, this is alcohol abuse right Brent? “RIGHT!” Kristin “where is my drink?” OOOPPSSSS

·         Tracy can you say CHEESE!!!!

·         Rosie and Tom when it’s almost 3am and you are STILL here. Just sleep over!!!

·         As always my shot girl and now my shot boy, LOVE them!

SISSY

my daddy o and G-Deb

My Bro and his lady

2 of my Favorite peeps



A lot of love...for Nikki's leg

Happiness!

 



Duck love

Andy giving more LOVE

Dude, I do my own breast EXAM

 

BUDS

Aaron where is the ice?



Bunny ears??



Jason and his duck face!

And you are???

I swear no more shots

Chin there is something on your shirt right Jill?

Brookside men

Candy girl



God daughter god mother combo

East meets north

It was an amazing night and I had so much fun. But I will not lie, I am STILL tired. This is my month for celebrating and getting my head in the game for January, where Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer will be beat down again.

 

Grandma Jennie

Always cooking, ALWAYS! She literally smelled like garlic

My dad's mom had stupid dumb breast cancer when I was like 5. It really is the first memory I have as a child. My mother died when I was 1 (that’s another post, well maybe someday) and my Grandma Jennie helped take care of us. Now I am not one to sugar coat anything so while she LOVED me that wasn’t the case for my siblings and some cousins. Grandma Jennie had a hard side and if you messed with her you were done. She actually didn’t even let some of them in her house, yet I slept over all the time. Sure she was tough on them, I am sure they were rotten in some way.  But this is about me so we won’t go into that! I however, was her princess and she spoiled me rotten, so I am not complaining. She did have a moth like a truck driver. When asked what was for dinner she would reply “Shit and Piss now go play”. And you wonder where I get my mouth?!

 She was the typical Italian Grandma always cooking and cleaning and I was her helper. I learned how to cook and clean through her very meticulous ways. I played bingo with her, went to get her hair done, we watched EVERY soap opera on TV, played Gin Rummy like crazy and I just loved being around her. Then all of a sudden the word “cancer” was in our vocabulary. I don’t remember much and what I do it vague. I remember waiting in the waiting room for her to come out of surgery. My dad, uncles, aunts and a few cousins come into my memory. I know I couldn’t go see her because of my age and I waved to her from the window, I do remember missing her so much. Then she was out and doing well. I have no memory of chemo or radiation but remember her having to stretch her arm up the wall, which I am doing now.

I love this one!

What I vividly remember is this…..I slept at her house weekly and we would come home from bingo and get into bed and watch Johnny Carson! She had a pink silk night cap and silk pillow to keep her hair from messing up. I loved to sleep on that pillow so much. She would take her bra off in front of me and that’s when I saw it. Grandma Jennie had one breast; the other was prosthesis in a pocket of her bra. Her shoulder had an indent because the bra was so heavy. I hated the way her shoulder mark was. Honestly what I loved to do was wear the bra! Sometimes I would put the fake boob on my head and walk without it falling. What a whacko I was?

 Then there was the scar. She let me run my finger across it, not in a fun way but because I needed to see she was ok. I asked her over and over through the years “Did it hurt?” “Are you sad?” she never gave me a real answer. Always, “no big deal” or “sad, I don’t have time to be sad” sometimes “have a meatball”.

As I take all the steps involved through this stupid dumb breast cancer, I wonder what went through her head and how she really felt. We didn’t talk about it but it wasn’t hidden in our family either. I remember everyone being worried and helping every way they can but it still makes me wonder how she really felt.

My HS graduation with my Grandma Dunni, we will blog about her later

I have been grappling lately with my choice to get implants. I really hate these foreign fucking things. I hate the fakeness of them, how they feel and especially how cold they are “Like a corpse” my girlfriend said great friend right? LOL!! Maybe I should have not done reconstruction, but the choice has been made and I need to find a way to be accepting of these boobs.

 I wonder if Grandma Jennie just accepted this and moved on. I have this feeling she did. I never heard her complain or say "Why me?". Whatever the case is I am proud of her bravery. She did not fall even back when breast cancer was scarier than it is now. She was a strong women and a force to be reckoned with, her bad side was not a good side to be on. Rock on Grammie thanks for leading the way for me, I am sure you had no idea where it would take me! I know she sent me crazy love along with my Grandma Dunni, my mother and my friend Lisa. It is good to have loved ones in high places, literally:)

Library series

I am so excited for this library event! Some of the photos will be up on display starting December 1^st, check them out. On December 10 at 7pm I will be giving a short presentation about this journey Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer has taken me on. While the photos are raw, graphic and uncensored my vocabulary will be guarded, I promise.  I want people to feel comfortable bringing young adults and teens to this. It is so important for them to see not just the images but to see the support that friends and family give. How we as a community, family, girlfriend, father empower each other to get through the hard times. With that in mind bring a friend. This is a battle we all are fighting and we need friends to battle with. Make it a save your breast date. If you bring a friend The Dazzle Store in Manlius is offering 10% off coupons to you both! Great store showing fantastic community support, if you haven’t been to the store you need to check it out. Check their Facebook out https://www.facebook.com/stupiddumbbreastcancer?ref=tn_tnmn#!/thedazzlestore?fref=ts or their website www.newdimensions1.com Thanks so much to Dazzle for adding some sparkle to this event.

The community has been incredible with their support and it really continues with this event. The library will be giving free a coffee to anyone who purchases a shirt! The staff at the library especially Brenda has welcomed Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer with such enthusiasm it is truly amazing.  This event is not only showing everyone the real side to breast cancer but raising the awareness to a new level. I am so proud of what it coming out of this journey. Thanks to everyone involved!

I will not let breast cancer take my holiday

A sample ot today's work

I started at a little before 7am and just finished. Yes it took me longer than normal, yes my back is killing, my chest is sore and yes I only made 13 instead of 16 different types of Holiday cookies. BUT I FUCKING DID IT!! Everyone kept saying "You don't have to make cookies this year", "This can be your year off", "Why bother?" I will certainly explain!
First, I am a baker and I love making cookies for Christmas. I have been doing this for so long I can not even remember when I wasn't making them. I have rules- well just one, stay out of my way! So Tom happily takes the kids out of the house all day. My entire family looks forward to my cookies. Cooking for people you care so much about when made with love is such an incredible feeling. I want them to feel that every year.
Second, I had to show myself that even through all that has happened, how I am feeling and what is up next, I can still do this. I realized how tired I was, so I stopped and didn't make the last three. Maybe I will or I won't, I am not worried. I have to admit cutting the bar cookies was difficult, which pissed me off but made me more determined.
Third, yes they drive me nuts and need to get the fuck out of the kitchen when I am bakin,g but when Tom and the boys came home smelled the house it was worth it. Anthony was excited his favorite kind were coming out of the oven, Sam wanted the three layers "so bad", Julian ate an Anise ball and proclaimed them the best, Ben took his favorite split levels to his buddy's and Tom tried at least four saying that this year his favorite was the Anise,  like Jules. This made me feel like I gave cancer another kick. I know to some reading this you are like "She needs medication!", but right now being able to bake all day is huge. Making it to another holiday is magnificent!! I wanted to just be able to do this without stupid dumb breast cancer getting in the way.



Happy Holidays from the Otis Family! Taken days after my double mastectomy

Anyone who knows me knows I do three things at the holidays, bake a ton of  cookies all in one day (DONE!!), throw a killer Holiday party (next weekend, whoot whoot) and I have to be the first holiday card you get. Yes I know I could have taken this year off I get that. HELLLSSSS NOOOO!! I hope that when some of you (sorry I can not mail it out to everyone that visits my blog) got your mail today it was in there and you opened it. I even wrote on every single card, in pink of course. I love getting and giving holiday cards and I wasn't going to make this year any different. I love the holidays and my OCD ways!

Thanksgiving

Funny how a little  breast cancer gives Thanksgiving a whole new perspective. I used to have some snarky comment about stealing land from the Indians, but now I just have thankful thoughts. Ok I still have snarky comments, but I am more thankful than ever. I am not sure how I could ever express all my thanks and how overwhelmed with it I am. I am thankful I had enough breast education to get my lump checked and to pursue it beyond a "normal" mammo. I am so thankful for my doctors who I trust and know they are doing all that they can to keep me alive and focused. I am thankful for all those who support and help STUPID DUMB BREAST CANCER because this is my mission now. I am thankful for every single friend that brought me dinner, a cancer gift, took my kids, held my hand, threw me a party, listened to me cry or was just here. I am beyond thankful for my family who loves me so much and worries with me through all my worries and supported me (and obeyed the "no crying" rule). I am thankful for my babies and all the gentle hugs and the pride they have encountered supporting their momma! I am thankful for my TFO that even through the rough spots he is there holding me and loving me. I am just thankful this year. I am giving thanks for breathing. This Thanksgiving raise your glass to LIFE, SALUD!  ("to health!"in Italian).

My crazy ass Italian Family

Do you see what I see....

I have been battling with the mirror for a while. Everyone knows what I mean, we see ourselves through this harsh image that is distorted and judgmental. I've been talking to several friends and its funny because none of us our listening to our own advice. Accepting ourselves, our bodies our life and embracing it. I have been struggling all week with these new boobs. Yes they "feel" better than the expanders, but they are not me, no way. I feel scared and tired and changed. I did not enjoy dress shopping the other day and how different I look in clothes, it was very difficult for me. I'm glad I had cookies and milk with me!  I feel like a hot ass mess, a HAM as my good friend Duke would say. I hate the way I've gained weight and can not wait to work out. I am disgusted with these scared, ripped, fake, nippless boobs! But I am alive and sitting here with my family while my phone goes off with friends and other family members worrying about how my day went. I am a breast cancer survivor and those breasts did not define or make me who I was. Yet, I know that is not what others see when they see me. I tell people all the time to look deep in that mirror and see what the world sees, I want to do that!

Yet when I look at this photo here is what I see.....
First, I want to state that when Genevieve sent this I cried ...hard. The symbolism of the blurred chest was profound. The picture as a breast cancer survivor speaks volumes and I know my warrior sisters will agree. I am a woman who is tired and scared. I am stressed and worried that my health could get worse at any moment. That at any doctors appointment, tests could come back with more bad news. I'm dreading another surgery but know that there is no other option. I am battling the beast and don't want to give in. I don't  think "Why  me?" but "This is me".  The crazy thing is this chest is not me any more, it is fake and has no feeling, yet when I look at it I feel so much. I have no feeling about how they look or what they are because they are so foreign to me. I feel pain and stress. I feel overwhelming guilt that I survived, yet power that I beat it at the same time. I see me, the same woman I was, but a woman who now looks at the world in a different light. I see the real side to breast cancer, I see my side of the journey! I am a woman who was not defined by cancer but refined by this battle!

This is what Tom sees......
AM, you asked me to add something here in part, I think, because you thought I would be uncomfortable with you posting this picture. I'm way past that at this point.  One thing I can say about this whole experience is that I've fallen in love with you in a way that seems more awake and urgent than ever before. When you showed me this photo, I told you it was beautiful. Yes, I see the pain and the stress. But I can also see past it and see someone that is so strong and so brave. I see someone whose beauty was not diminished by adversity, but was increased by it. It's a strange thought, but I think the sense of purpose you now have about your life was a gift that cancer never meant to give you. You will struggle through the physical changes and I believe you will arrive in a place that you can feel comfortable with yourself. It's hard for you to look in the mirror now, but it's just as hard for me to stop looking at you. xo 

Doctor doctor give me the news...

I figure if you have to go to see the doctor, might as well see as many as you can! I get to go see my plastics first. I do have to say I love this office. The ladies are fabulous and I am usually in and out! Strange I know but I must not lie, I like going to this office. I am excited for the doc to check my new boobs and let me know how he feels they are healing. I will say that my friend Kristin was right, there is no stuffing these boobs into a dress, what a bitch it was finding one that is just right!

 I am also thrilled because they will tell me when I can get my INK!! Now that puts a large smile on my face. Tom drew these magnolias that are pink and white and have branches that will wrap to the side and cover the drain mark. I figure hell, if I get them soon I won't feel a thing. Plus, I am thinking this is the perfect time for my Dad to get his, anyone else???.

OHHHH and then there is the box of nipples. Did you know that they have a box of nipples you can choose from to stick on for certain outfits??? Oh hell yes I am getting some, I see lots of good times ahead with nipples. Genevieve will love taking those pictures. I also will be getting the OK to work out. I miss working out so much and my partner misses me yelling at her. I am just one workout away from a good mood and shit, it’s been months, so you know what a bitch I have been. I know that I won't be doing wall pushups by Friday but I need something. I feel like a flabby mess. I want shut up and squat, BURPEESSSSS I miss you so.

Then I am off to the breast care doctor, who I also LOVE!! I am lookinhg forward to seeing her new office. Just a checkup so I am hoping for a quickie there too. We will be talking about when she feels I will be ready for the oophorectomy (I just love that word). I know I get December off of surgeries then January it looks like it is back at it. Do you see that this is not "over" with a mastectomy?? The appointments are ongoing as well as the checks. This is why it is so important to love your doctors and the staff; you spend a lot of time there. YOU and YOU alone have to like them not your Uncle Lou's neighbor Lola, their opinion shouldn't matter and they should keep it to themself.

I am going to just enjoy the holidays. January looks too intense for me. I go back to the oncologist for all my "cancer tests". NOT at all looking forward to scans, blood work, needles and results. Then surgery, but we are not talking about that right now like I said HOLIDAY....CELEBRATE!

70%...

Of breast caner survivors have low self body image. What is insane is when I look at my survivor sisters I think that they are so stunning, that their warrior marks show how strong they are, that they radiate a powerful beauty that blows my mind. But then I look in the mirror and while I know I am healing I look down and say WTF!! I hate that these implants they are not me, they are foreign cancer causing agents. Yes they feel real (or so Tom tells me) but shit I can not feel that! Yes from the top the cleavage looks nice and I will show that off. BUT when I look at the scars that are already starting to keyloid I cry. The scars are not just from the double mastectomy and the swap but the drains too. The scars are itchy and bumpy and right now a painful reminder. I can not wait to have my buddy DJ hide them for me and make them part of my changing self. I do feel like a butterfly. This is the hard part of stupid dumb breast cancer that goes forgotten, the after pain. This is what breast cancer has done to me. Some women opt for no reconstruction, some just for a lumpectomy, some a single breast is taken, all having such an intense part of their body altered. Their breasts,  no matter what they choose, are so changed that the healing process can take a lifetime.The key to all this is NOT BY CHOICE. I chose reconstruction- yes, but because I have breast cancer. I did not ask for this nor would I ever judge my friends choices regarding their breasts. We choose the best path for us. I am satisfied with mine after all my doc did make them look good. The reality of how it changes me is what I am dealing with. I just want my peeps to get that this may "look good" but the internal part is a struggle that most breast cancer women are fighting to overcome. Mind you I may wake up crying about this but when I get outta bed I put my big girl bra on (ok no bra but I like the metaphor) and I say "YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME" and will never beat me!

 

 

***BREASTNOTE~ this is not a pity post. This blog is therapeutic to me and helps me to explain my emotions. Plus, I know there are other women feeling this and they need to see they are not alone!

Swap

I love how they call it a "swap", makes me think of a swap met. Everything good yesterday. The doctor was  running a little late but we did not complain. After all I didn't want him to take it out on me. In a strange small world the women he did before me is friends with my good friend Lorrie, so I didn't want him to rush her. The nurses were all fantastic, my post and recovery nerve even found me a princess sticker! Genevieve was there snappy photos in really bad light, MC was there to keep the joking going strong. My sister was there on time none the less! My dad and G-Deb came and both did an exceptional job of not crying. Tom of course was there rocking a Stupid Dumb Breast cancer shirt. It was a small room but all fit in there chatting away. It was great to have them all there to keep my mind off of the surgery.

Of course I rocked some sparkly heels to give me even more attitude. Again the staff did not know what to make of me. Oh, and my surgery nurse is cousins with my neighbors growing up  and her BF is my cousins sister in law! And some other nurse knew some people from the Nort side that my dad was making the Italian connection. Most of the staff had heard about Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer and that was awesome! I left some business cards just in case there were ones that didn't.

We waiting patiently until the doc finished but when I saw him in the hall I felt much better. The    anesthesiologist came in to administer my sleepy nice nice medicine and had a hard time not looking at my shoes or Tom's shirt. She was sweet and quick, even better in my book! It was time to be wheeled off to OR. The drugs started to kick in and it felt like a big ol bong hit, yes I said that but have no memory. I do not even remember going past my peeps, gotta love those pharmaceuticals! I chatted with the staff while getting prepped, can't wait to hear what I said. I am pretty sure it was not at all inappropriate in the least. Well maybe a little. 


I woke up in recovery with my fabulous nurses ready to help. I had that anesthesia feeling, so groovy and uncontrollable. After being wheeled into the larger room I had the pleasure of meeting my friend' s friend, damn drugs can't remember her name! She looked great while I looked green. I hope that we can connect soon. The staff in that area was fabulous too. I feel so lucky to have had amazing doctors and nurse and other hospital staff. There is nothing there to bitch about.

 

I was out of it last night, groggy and tired. We enjoyed a delicious stew thanks to Stephanie which was the perfect thing for my nausea. Before surgery. I really wanted a McMuffin which I found out had ham. If you want it to have sausage then it's a sausage  McMuffin, who know!? I also wanted Fried fish sandwich, you would thought I was pregnant! So today I will rest and watch Teen Mom or Honey Boo Boo. The pain last night was strong then the drugs given but manageable. Funny how even pulling your pants up was hard. I can not wait to wrap my chest and see what it looks like. Nor can I wait to shower and wear deodorant and lotion. As my husband pointed out I look ashy! I feel better today and am so excited to be drinking a coffee with pumpkin spice. A big huge shout out to Joyce, Kelly and Dave' family and mu cousin Denise for registering for the race  yesterday, that made my day. now the rest of you fools get on that! Thanks so much for all your well wishes, good vibes and prayers. I really love it and can feel that positive energy. As the body takes time to heal  physically the mind has heal as week. That is why I insist on positive energy to help me through this. That and a killer pair of stilettos!