Huff, ink and UGH

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/#r/segment/personal-ink-breast-cancer-pinterest-molly-ortwein/512f664e02a7601f8100038f
TWEET Tweet Tweet Tweet ok I admit it I do not know what the hell I am doing on Twitter. NO CLUE! Someone said maybe “we” are too old, oh hell no I am 29 remember? My little cousin tried to explain but I tuned him out because well frankly I do not care. I use it how I want to use it and the hell with the rules. So sometimes I RT, sometimes I tweet or quote or favorite sometimes I don’t. But Thursday I tweeted to my new favorite Pinterest page Personal P.ink http://pinterest.com/personalink/ . The page is amazing! It is site for mastectomy survivors to post, share, get ideas about INK!!! Yes, ink to cover, celebrate take over those scars we HATE.I got a RT (retweet for you fools who do not know Twitter) from Meg from Huffpost live. Huffpost live is part of Huffington Post but live news feed. They were doing a segment on Molly the badass who inspired her brother in law, Noel to start Personal P.ink. They wanted me to come on too! Huffpost is my fav news outlet, so I was all excited and honored. It was a pleasure to work with all involved and I think it made for an amazing piece, watch it and you be the judge! Of course you know me, this got my wheels turning and I really hope to work with Molly and Noel in the very near future. They just met me but you know how I am when I get an idea….   INK


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I started my chest piece this week. My friend DJ owns Halo tattoo and my ink master. He knows I have wanted to get this done since the doctors first cut into me. BUT he is a smart tattooist and told me no way not yet. I was bummed but he wants my scar tissue to heal some more. So I started the butterfly that Ben drew. “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”. Ben drew the butterfly so that the wings would not be the same, like a real butterfly. What he didn’t realize is that my breasts weren’t the same. The right was full of cancer, the left had a “probable benign’ spot (wtf I HATE that saying). The butterfly is over my right side were the cancer was growing. I feel like I am making my chest my own. I could not control this cancer growing or the mastectomy and these scars but I can control what they will look like. Molly has these gorgeous flowers that remind her of Brazil, a special place to her. That is just it special to HER, making her chest hers again. Will this take away the scars, make them unseen? NO but they make them OURS!! The breasts are fake anyways, like a blank canvas so way not paint away??? I really have to say did not feel much of it, except when I got to the breast bone. I actually told DJ I could fall asleep in the chair.   UGH So the Drag Show is tomorrow!!! And I waited until the last minute to get a dress, what the hell was I thinking?? Shoes I got, from an old friend who saw a pair in BUFFALO and she bought them for me and I love them. Friday night me and 3 friends hit Destiny USA. I had an idea in my messed up, scary, cancermenopause head of what I wanted. I wanted sparkly, loud, BRIGHT pink CHEESINEES. Could I find that, NO! Not for lack of trying, anyone who has been shopping with me knows I am an ADD spaz. I tried on lots but none were it. Since I have been nothing but honest here I will explain a few things. There was a whole list of reasons why I walked out of there without shit. 1. Those who think when you have cancer you lose weight are dumb asses! Sure some do but most pack on a few pounds. Like almost 20 for me. I am vertically challenged so it shows. I am trying on sizes I haven’t worn since I was friggin pregnant. 2. We were hungry as hell!!! Why didn’t we get something to eat, even a pretzel?? Oh wait I was leading the bunch and no food till we succeed; I need to change that rule. 3. The stupid dumb implants that stupid dumb breast cancer gave me do NOT squish, like at ALL. And believe me we tried very hard to squeeze them in. It does not work!! UGH 4. I had an idea in my head and I wasn’t finding it. I want PINK but you know what is out right now (besides Duke)?? CORAL it is everywhere. I hate coral. 5. It was now 9:15pm and everything was closing. I mean how dare the mall close when I needed a dress. Home, hungry, deflated and crying. Wasn’t about the dress at this point. It was about the change in my body that I couldn’t control yet am stuck with. It was about how cancer for a brief moment was sneaking back into my life and making me lose it. I know I will get the weight off but for now it is on and it sucks! I do not like waiting just ask my BFF’s. They tried so hard but I was beyond help in the end. My Mr. Fixit was so good to me making me a snack and watching The Walking Dead with me, he knows how to cheer his girl up! SOOOOO, after soccer, grocery shopping, pizza dough making, screaming at the kids and getting beer making supplies I set back out. Oy vey, I love to shop but this was nut-JcPenney, Sears, Dougherty Masquerade (do not laugh I almost rented a princess dress) Macy’s, Plato’s, Eco Chic (we do not do CHEESY), Off the Rack, DAVID’S BRIDAL (I was desperate), Boom Babies then back to Destiny (OMG stop the madness). Luckily I have an amazing friend and daughter who went with me. SOOOO we went to BeBe, Hot Topic, Saks, BCDG (yes Diana you happy??), and another bridal store, Cache and about 5 others I cannot remember. FINALLY found a dress and I let everyone get a soda and a pretzel. Is it what I imaged, nope not at all. But my posse says it looks good. Is it bright pink, no pale pink. My posse says it is the right look. Is it cheesy, sparkle?? Well stop by Rain Lounge tomorrow night and see. But for now this princess is exhausted and needs her beauty rest. I have a show to put on tomorrow. Crap I hope these Queens let me do a few numbers, I have the dress after all!

Cancer is a drag

We are days away from the PINK OUT and I still don't have a friggin dress, you know I got the shoes though, thanks to an old friend! The dress will be bought tonight, the pinker the better, the more sparkle the better! my hair is already pink:)
Why a drag show? Why not! Since when does fund raising have to be boring? Not when I'm involved. I want it to be a blast so you have no choice but to reach into your pockets and donate. There is no question about it I can throw a party and this will be over the top. I came to my good friend/hairdresser/bar owner Duke with a little idea for this and because he is Duke he brought in amazing talent. These queens are from Ru Paul's Drag Race, this is not some small town drag show this is the drag show. Rain Lounge is a place I have visited a few times, ok so what if they named the pole after me and the staff knows my drink, the place is perfect. It is about accepting people for who they are, no matter their differences. It is about loving someone in-spite of their differences. Doesn't that say enough! I am beyond thrilled to be sponsoring this show with my sweet friend Duke as the host. I just hope all the queens don't mind sharing the stage with a princess!
This event will benefit my new partner (more on that SOON) Cancer Connects. They are a local     organization that helps cancer patients through mentoring, support, and  massage therapy.   http://www.cancerconnects.org/ please check them out. I could not be more happy to be helping my local community.  I know that there will be a cure someday but I do not know if I will ever see that. I want to help my warrior friends NOW, who are battling and need support. Cancer Connects helps your whole being which is vital especially after. The other to benefit from the event is my race team CURE OR BUST. CNY Komen helps our community, free mammos being one of them http://centralnewyork.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SYR_CentralNewYorkAffiliate?team_id=234025&pg=team&fr_id=2850
Check out the team and while you are, join!

PINK OUT will be an amazing show no doubt. There will be a photo booth, cocktails and friends. The silent auction items are awesome and will raise us a ton of money. The shirts are pink and fabulous and only available at the event. So please come out, no pun intended. Join us as we show that cancer is a drag but we don't have to be a downer about it!

Happy Birthday to my Professor

For better or for worse.....yup covered those

In sickness and in health ......oh yeah that is covered

Till death do us part....ok no death right now

I have spent the last few days really thinking about my husband Tom. We have been together for 20 plus years, wow!!! We met through some friends that were getting hitched, Sean says it was instant chemistry and I agree. Tom knew what he was getting into, because when he met me for the first time I jumped out of the bushes to scare them. That was it, it was fast and we jumped into it head first. Did we do some crazy dumb things? Yes, but as of today it has all worked out. Like every relationship, it has been rocky, sometimes like Rocky Mountain high. We have fought hard to get where we are and I like it here, it is soft and cozy. I could sit here and type how great he is, what an amazing father he is, true friend, solid son (and son in law!) but that is all easy. And I want the reality, check it.

He loves me, completely with such intensity is scares me sometimes. He wants to always be my knight is shining armour (he knows I like sparkle). When I was first diagnosed, that was the hardest thing for him. He couldn't fix it. There was nothing he could do but watch. Yes, he was there for me and said kind words. He is a male so sometimes they were dumb, too, but all with the right intent. Yet he still couldn't make cancer go away and he hated that. I saw the anger and frustration but under that was love. When I want to cry I have his shoulders, when I need to punch he is ready, when I need to just be alone, well, he is working on that. I have a lot of great friends, a few best friends, but he is my needed friend. After all these years we have seen that we need to learn that- how to be there for each other. I am so proud of how he has seen this and done his job to make it happen. Everyone says "Bless Tom to put up with AM", I say that is true. I am a ball of fire to his calm ocean tide. Damn that was corny as hell! Yes we could not be more opposite, right down to how we grew up. Somehow it works, not always, but we are good at repair.

Happy Birthday to my.....ying to my yang, my spelling checker, grammer correcting fool, my stubborn mule, guitar playing, concert going, beer making, love me crazy but I like crazy and feel good there, my safe spot, my silverware drawer cleaning at the wrong time, waiting in the car, father of my pain in the ass kids who we both love no matter how many dumb things they do, my ahhhh he is home guy, my jesus christ pick up your socks before I snap man, my kisser, my TOM I can't reach something, my cupboards open, lights on, beared, lost his keys, where's my wallet, getting lost, we have to turn around I missed the exit MAN!! I am sure that sentence may just send him over the edge, MWAH:0)



Butterfly in the sky....

The way the words hit you when you hear "I'm sorry, it's cancer" is hard, the emotions that come after- hard, the hurt in your families face- hard, the surgeries/procedures/treatment- all hard. But the aftermath that cancer leaves is devastating. The change mentally is draining. I have major survivor guilt. How come I got out alive but Cindi was put to rest this week, it doesn't seem right. I am no better than any other warrior battling cancer, yet here I sit. This week I went out for the first time by myself, just to Target, but I was so excited. It was so strange, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't even want to shop! wtf I am an extrovert, I will really be pissed if cancer changed me into an introvert!
Sex, well that is a joke right now. I know you are reading this saying TMI but the reality is that this is a common issue with cancer survivors. I will not go into full detail lets just say its unchartered water that needs boating lessons.....
The truth is all that is easy,  the physical change can leave you filled with hate. I have days when I can not stand this body. It makes me sick. I have gained weight, if one more person tells me they are doing TRX I'm gonna drop kick them. I want to be that badass work out bitch I was 6 months ago, damn Gina remember how much I was squatting?? I feel so incredibly weak it makes me feel deflated. I know it will take time but this has got to stop.
 The scars are just, well, they are there. Sometimes I'm all badass and hardcore like "ya my scars show I kicked cancers ass, I rock!". Then other days I just want them gone. I don't want to feel the scar tissue build up, the way my body keloids, the way my breasts are inanimate objects that mean NOTHING now. I want to actually have feeling in my chest!
This isn't a whine or a "woe is me cry", it is the truth. How I deal is by having events that raise money and awareness to stupid dumb breast cancer, and cancer in general. I want to make cancer awareness  a loud yell,  not a whisper. I want it heard, seen, understood, treated and CURED! The only way for this to happen is to keep talking about it. Just cause you are told are cancer free or your chemo ends or you are 3 years out of radiation doesn't mean you just go on with life. Cancer changes you to the core: physically, mentally, emotionally!

 This is my favorite quote and why on Tuesday I start the tattooing of my chest with a butterfly. No no no I didn't get cancer just to get more ink, it is just a cancer perk!

CURE OR BUST

RACE MODE activate! For the past 7 years I have been a part of the CNY Race for a Cure and loved every minute. The last 4 years we have been the biggest, badest team on the block rocking the private party pavilion, I am so not ready to relinquish that title, at least not this year. For 2 years we were the biggest fund raiser to boot. This team has been built on family and friends who just want to be supportive in the fight against breast cancer. The team has ALWAYS been a celebration of life- the lives battling, the lives surviving and the lives lost. I wanted women, young girls, men and young boys to walk away from the pink sea of survivors and feel the empowerment of what surviving meant. I know that I have always been moved by the survivor parade, the pink mass on stage and hearing the names called as they crossed the finish line.

Last year, I stood there with this lump in my breast wondering what the heck was going to happen! I was scared because my gut was telling me breast cancer. BUT as I stood there and watched the survivors, I turned to MC and said “No matter what I am wearing that pink next year”. The lumpectomy and the pathology report came back less then a  month after the race, frigging stupid dumb breast cancer. Making “taking two for the team” have even more meaning.

This year to date, we have raised just about $15,000.00 and are 169 members strong. There are 291 people total registered and we are 169 of them, cool right? Yes, but I want 500 people! Seriously I do, this year means so much to me. It is almost like a coming full circle. I want everyone to feel the incredible support that I have felt through this. I want this team to say “Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer, nice try but Princess Ann Marie is still here”. Please stop what you are doing and register (well finish reading then register!). It does not matter if you are in California, South Carolina, Canada or East Egypt, you can join us. I have plans for my out of towners!

 http://centralnewyork.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SYR_CentralNewYorkAffiliate?team_id=234025&pg=team&fr_id=2850

So you are sitting there and thinking “UGH Komen”. Let us just put it right out there. My CNY Komen is what I am committed to, my Kate, Deb, Jess, Livvy and all the others that work so hard on the 75% of what is raised for our community. There are caring, resourceful, educated on breast health and committed to helping. They are what I stand for. If you look deep into every big organization you will find something you do not agree with, it is just a fact. Komen started out grassroots, and just like all those other fabulous organizations, they just got bigger. I think that says enough.

Come join my biggest party evah! Join the 169 that have already registered, come for the friendship and leave with pure inspiration. Don’t run? HAHAHA, come for the mimosas before the race and take a fabulous walk with your friends around the Fair. Women and girls over 13 celebrate with us at Twin Trees, I know you men want in, so sure! BUT you MUST wear a bra over your shirt and it HAS to be stuffed, I have been known to take mine off. Did I mention Elana’s famous jello shots?? Come and see just what it means to support, empower, inspire and SURVIVE!! If for no other reason, join me as I walk in the survivor parade with my sisters, stand on stage with my warriors, and cross that finish line with my family and friends as a SURVIOR!!!  Stop telling me you will register and DO IT.Watch the slide show and tell me who else has a team like us…CURE OR BUST BABY!!!

Brace yourself, it's the Bride of Frankenstein

Every princess has her king….

Today is my dad's birthday, 76!!! Let me tell you about my dad. First off he is a royal pain in the ass. He asks me the same friggin thing about 50 times a day then calls me 6 times to repeat it, not at all cause he is old but  he just wants to hear my voice (I know for a fact he does the same to my siblings). He is the meaning of grandfather, he takes that role very seriously. "Cause I'm the Pa" is a famous quote. The love that he gives all his grandkids is no joke, Matt, Nicole, Jess, Lowell, Ben, Natalie, Sam, Anthony and Julian all love their grandfather with such intensity it almost frightens me. They all love and need their Pa as much as he needs them.  I am so happy he takes care of himself, does he look 76?!?!  

My father is the most emotional man you will ever meet, seriously he can cry over anything but when it comes to his kids, grand kids, Deb and family let the water works begin. No really it is sort of the joke, "oh here he goes". I actually plan my gifts around how much he will cry. He lost the love of his life at a time when they were just building a family and never really recovered. He did the best job he could raising us with the help of family, I think he did just fine. Sure we can find something to bitch about that he didn't do but the truth of the matter is he gave us love real love. His love is pure and unconditional no matter what, believe me I was no angel (and my brother and sister, wow!!!) but not once did I ever feel unloved.

My father is a major and I mean MAJOR shopper, which worked out great in my teenage years. You people think I have a shoe issue?? The man buys 2 pairs of each shoe and rotates them so they don't wear out. He never questions my shopping excursions and loves to buy gifts, win win win!  When Deb moved in he was more worried about losing closet space than anything else. 

When I look back I realize that my relationship with him is so different than my siblings, more so than the average. By the time Al and Lori (they are 9 and 10 years older than me) were out of the house my father was just coming out of the fog from my mother's death, he was waking up. I was always his baby princess, I took his mind off the tragedy. So we did a lot together, a lot!  He called me his shadow, "me and my shadow, walking down the avenue"!  Sure there were all sorts of teenage ups and downs, too many to write and some completely illegal, but again there was nothing but love. My first son was premature and my father rushed to Albany and stayed there until my baby came home. Yes I grow up motherless but my father was amazing he was filling the void beyond expectation! 

The day I found out I had breast cancer my father was watching Julian. He knew follow up  appointment was to my lumpectomy so I had to tell him. He was stunned, I will never forget that face. "What?" Was said about 40 times, then the tears. I looked at him and said "if I'm not crying you can't. This is my breast cancer and I decide who cries", he stopped and never once, not once did he cry I front of me through all this. He stood by my and my boys with strength and faith that I never thought possible. He has seen all the pictures and has been at the hospital never once showing me fear. My brother told me that on the way to my mastectomy he thought if my dad was crying he was going to throw him right out of my room because I didn't need that. My father showed him who was king! He laughed, made jokes, and smiled with me the whole time. Sure he was scared the pictures show that but he emitted strength. I have never been more proud to be my dad's baby princess than that day. I simply love him.

Today is his birthday and I want nothing but happiness for him. He deserves it! Last year I helped him get a ring for Deb and he asked her to marry him. She is the best thing for him, she balances him and keeps him out of my hair. Ok ok so she is younger than my brother and only 5 months older than my sister, she is still the best! Keep your jokes to yourself, hahaha.  I love Deb and am proud to have her part of the family, he has done good!  To be honest I don't know how she puts up with him but she loves him and he loves her. I pictured them married this winter but breast cancer had other ideas. Maybe this year?! I sure do hope so.

So happy birthday daddy! I am so lucky to have a pops like you. Don't forget you promised me a tattoo, not another for me but YOU!!! I'm so excited and you wouldn't want to disappoint me after this year....xo

My race for the cure daddy!

Never leaves my side

My walk with my king on my side

Holding it together

Pure happiness and love

scared but strong

Life after cancer

Cancer Free, what does that mean?

“Mom where’s my socks?” “Mom is dinner ready?” “Babe where is the tape?” “MOMMMMMMMM”…..Life as I know it. While nothing seems to have changed everything is so different. I can not put a finger on it put it is not the same. It seems we all had a reality check as to what is important in life through this but that really isn't what I mean. There is something “there”.
Part of it is I am still so fucking exhausted from this hysterectomy, like really EXHAUSTED!! I thought I knew tired but I never did until now. My body has been through so much and I need to accept this and listen to it. They took out major parts, only weighing 86 grams ROBBED again!!! My hormones are on a roller coaster ride, sobbing over NOT being able to do the laundry when I should be thrilled. Do not even get me started on night sweats and hot flashes. WTF, nothing like sweating and freezing all at once. Katy Perry’s “Hot N’ your cold” is my new theme song. Still this is not it.
I am not going anywhere in the fund raising aspect of SDBC, what I am doing is kicking it into overdrive. I have always been a force in the fund raising for Race for the Cure and very vocal about it. Yes this has amped me up but it hasn’t changed that. I have ideas for every month and making sure they are different so people can find something that works for them. Never feel obligated to do them all, but don’t you dare do none, cause I will hunt your ass down. I am excited and passionate about all these yet that is not it either.
Not only do I want to continue SDBC but am in the midst of starting a new venture with a fabulous survivor. I have never met her but we are connected through cancer and together as friends, no wait sisters, we are excited and ready to take the cancer world by storm. We are taking a HUGE leap of faith and am so excited to do so.  As we finalize plans I will be sure to fill in the blanks. This is new for both of us but we seem to have the same ideas and philosophy plus that “let's do this” attitude I can just see the success of it. This is something that has changed me but yet it is not it, ugh.
I have such a great family, like amazing. Right down to my 3rd cousin once removed they have been so incredibly supportive. My husband has done everything he can to help me, our family and our marriage it makes me feel complete. My kids have been my biggest fans and have proved how strong they are. My friends, WOWOOWOWOW!! They have been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my balance, my light and my silver lining. Without them this battle would have sucked big time! Even their children have showed amazing support and their husbands as well, now that is some badass friends! Then there is my cancer friends, amazed. I never met half these people yet we have shared such personal stories, struggles and fear. They have taught me how to cope because they get it and they have empowered me beyond words. I never thought strangers could mean so much but still that is not what has changed.
I worry about what is next. I have so many up coming appointments and tests that is stresses me to think about it. I did not survive cancer to die from fucking stress!! I am positive that these scans and tests will be clear but I am still scared of the unknown. I was so healthy before this cancer has made me question my ability to get that back. Really I was not a worrier about myself at all, glad I took that lump serious. I was never a hypochondriac yet I get freaked that my hang nail might turn into nail cancer, don’t laugh it could so happen. Even that crazy talk isn't what I mean.
I feel so different on the outside and in. My emotions are all out of whack yet I feel stronger than ever. I am so proud of this journey yet frightened I did something wrong. I feel like I am on the road to recovery but at the same time I am so drained and out of shape I want to scream. One minute I am laughing and ready for life the next I am crying. My body is so weak (I can barely carry an effin milk jug when I used to squat my body weight) but it feel like a power house. I hate cancer yet I love how it affected me. I am beyond overwhelmed, yet feel like I can take the world by storm. Shit balls when I write that all down I am a HAM for sure, a HOT ASS MESS.
I guess I am just different yet still the same. Life after cancer goes on for sure, but we are never the same. I can never be that same girl nor do I want to be. Ann Marie is here but new and improved. Understand that while we are going to soccer games, working out or hitting Target, I am still battling the beast. I think of what cancer did to me and catch myself worrying about its return.  I still have doctor appointments, test, scans, blood work and pain I deal with every day because of stupid mother fucking breast cancer. I want to be treated as the same princess but accepted as a newer model. Most of all I want everyone to be aware of cancer and how it affects you. Aware of your body and how you need to address anything that you think is off. Aware that I kicked cancer’s ass and it changed me.

Birthday

Always wanted a BROTHER

Always wanted a SISTER

My 4th birthday and first memory

The truth is for years I hated my birthday. Really hated it. The year I was born I am so sure my family was thrilled for a new baby, YEAHOOO!! I imagine they went through all my “firsts” and had a great time celebrating my 1st birthday…..Then my mom died, tragically. So for the year of 1973 my family had a lot to deal with but still had this little one that needed attention. I was their distraction from it all. I can only imagine what my 2nd birthday held. I know a family friend had the party, the first anniversary of someone’s death is always the hardest. I am sure they all loved the fact my birthday was the focus, but I can only imagine the heart ache. Year after year that became the case. I could tell they wanted to celebrate but their thoughts went to my mom. I have always felt pressure to have a great birthday yet there was always a cloud over it.  I thought in my warped little head if I didn’t have a birthday she would still be here, crazy but to a child living it seemed like the truth. I excepted my brithday to fix the pain. Years and years of therapy have taught me different. I learned that my birthday had nothing to do with it, duh! Yet still was hard accepting that.


Taught me to iron underware

Daddy's little girl

What cancer taught me, is life! So all those years that I thought I was the reason for the pain I realize they needed my birthday. Birthdays are about life!! I came into their life when they needed to see a smile, they needed a laugh and they needed innocence. My son Ben is wise beyond years and he said to me last night “Your mom died  and showed them death but you showed the how to live”!!! He is so fucking smart it kills me.

Told me about my period!

Spoiled me rotten

So for years they fought over who got to take me places, do things with me, spoil me or just be with me. They still do cause I am that fabulous!! Not because they needed to forget my mom’s death but they needed LIFE. My birthday was important because I was needed. And I needed them to show me love. Every person in these pictures was a mother to me, every person loved me for me, every person needed me…..
Happy Birthday to me!!!

One of the only pictures of my mom holding me

Happy birthday to me

My birthday is Thursday and although I love things that come in little boxes, that glitter and shine. Things that I slide my feet into and make me so tall and sparkly. The best gift is CANCER FREE!!!

Just so you know "cancer free" gifts can be combined with birthday gifts!