We must we must we must increase our bust

I have been dying to use that and today seems perfect. I feel the fill doing it's magic, I guess it's magical. The expanders are meant to stretch and pull the muscles to make a nice spot for the implants. It is working trust me because my chest is friggin' killing me. It really puts a new twist on the old "we must increase our bust" boob exercises of my prepubescent youth. I think Tracy and I did these so much our arms would hurt! What a waste of time, all that work just to have them chopped off.
As my chest changes not just in growth but scars, shape, contour, sensation and squishiness (I can totally use that words so shut it!) I want to see every step. I mean see it and be able to remember the feeling. I want to remember with a photo what the hell happened. The hardest picture was the one Genevieve took 1 week after the lumpectomy. It was healing but still looked so destroyed. The second was my pictures with the girls when they signed my chest. Those boobs seem so strange to me now I can't believe those were my boobs! Stupid dumb breast cancer will never be forgotten but having an image is so therapeutic to me. I think the people around me will find a new hatred for it. The hatred will stem from the crazy breast cancer fighter it has unleashed. They thought I was off the charts before! I am on a mission to spread the awareness of early detection. To take the unknown out of breast cancer.  To make it a little less frightening to my fighting friends.  Ok, yes the pictures may still be scary and raw but at least you get a sense of what the hell is happening!I want woman to stop being ashamed of what stupid dumb breast cancer does to their bodies and say fuck it this me and I am strong and beautiful. I know that I'm struggling to do that.....
before the first fill

Posted on September 2, 2012 by AnnMarie Giannino.

Reasons I hate stupid dumb breast cancer

#1 LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!!!!


#46 because it is sneaky.  I feel great! I am healthy and eat right (I have been a vegetarian since I was 16, WTF!!). I work out like a beast and love it. Honestly, do not smoke anything legal. And yet I have Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer! There is no pain or mark to say "hey I am in here". I found that stupid lump and had I didn't it would have erupted and spread then I would be even more mad.



# 7 Waiting! For doctor appointments, results, surgery date, recovery, etc. I am a planner and I hate letting breast cancer plan my life out. Plus, it is taking it's dumb ass time. I mean I don't even know what is for dinner next Thursday, I hate that. I have bunco and parties to attend, so let's get this going. Here is the clincher ....breast cancer does not wait! It continues to grow and spread while there is nothing you can do. Stupid dumb breast cancer, you have no idea what you're up against!




#8 not being in control of ANYTHING!! The doctors say when the day/time of appointments are even if they really do not work for you it does not matter you have to take them or you won’t get in.  My surgery, I want it NOW (a goose that lays gold eggs for Easter). Most of all I cannot control the stupid dumb breast cancer. No matter how hard I work out or how healthy I eat or how I watch how much liquor I consume (it goes down so easy) it could still spread and wreak chaos in my body! I have no control over this and for a control freak this is not easy. I mean I cannot even control what is for dinner that week!! Stupid dumb controlling breast cancer, I cannot wait until we break up!



#55 because I keep forgetting it is there! I think everything is normal then it hits me "shit I have stupid dumb breast cancer". Honestly, I do not want to forget but when you feel fabulous and just want to chill sometimes you just have to. I want to remember ever step of this lumpy ass journey so I can turn it around and be proof that early detection saves lives!!!



#34 its going to be how long before I can work out? WTF... I may really snap then!


#3 just when you are feeling better you get punched in the fucking chest, literally! This fill sucks big time. I've slept for a few hours then I wake uncomfortable, stiff and feeling such pain. There are 2 round liquid bricks injected in my chest to stretch my muscle, tissue and skin to make a spot for these ridiculous implants to go in. Does that sound like it feels good? Boob juice from hell! I hate stupid dumb breast cancer for making me hurt AGAIN!

#2 because I hate that my friends who are fighting so hard are losing their hair! WHAT THE FUCK??? Stupid dumb breast cancer takes our boobs then just has to take our hair too??? I hate it but it will not take our smile. So put one on your face and say "I hate you stupid dumb breast cancer but I will have the last laught". Love you sisters together we will fight and hate stupid dumb breast cancer.
Posted on September 2, 2012 by AnnMarie Giannino.

Boob juice

Yesterday was erratic and long, stressful and painful, yet full of energy, smiles and a really great time! I had a sono of my thyroid which raised some questions but it will be fine I am sure. Then I got my first fill and what a fill it was! Genevieve called it "boob juice" which I loved so that's what I am calling it now. They take a metal connector to find the right spot then the injection starts! No joke the needle resembles a turkey baster. How did it feel!??  STRANGE!!!! It made me a little nauseous. Feeling the liquid go into a foreign plastic bag in my chest just made me feel queasy, yuk! It didn't kill, it was just way uncomfortable in a painful way. I mean, shit, I had a double mastectomy and delivered four babies!  After my awesome Boob Juice Injector Babe did the right side we looked and you could really could see the difference. The right looked big and the left deflated.When she did the left, Genevieve took a video of the other side getting injected and you can see it grow! This whole process is wild. Medically, wow, mentally ugh, physically ouch! Still blows my mind I have stupid dumb breast cancer, I mean WTF?! Glad I have great doctor,s just wish I didn't need them.
We ended the night with some great friends, family and deep fried pickles! We rocked out to the Commodores, funny cause I got a brick house in my chest! They rocked the house (well not at all they were horrible but we had the best time). A few cocktails and I didn't feel the pain. Until about 1am then fuuuuuucccckkkkkkkk. My shoulders hurt, my back, armpits all are so sore. She said I would feel like a just had a good workout. Yes that's one way to describe it but it's more intense than that. Sleeping was no good, maybe a couple of hours total. I know it won't last but shit. I hate how I start to feel just a little better only to get smacked again.  I just want to move past this all.
Now the big decision, when do I stop the filling? The verdict was straight down the middle last night. Most Chicks told me one more fill, shocking. Not sure what I will do but it's my choice. I feel like this is the only thing I can control. So I will control it yet still take comments that will be evaluated then processed for the final ruling. My ruling no matter how many Tom says "DD"!!!
Posted on September 1, 2012 by AnnMarie Giannino.

Beauty within bull crap

I had a long drive to Rochester today, just children in my car so I thought and thought A LOT!!! I mean I wasn't going to talk to them, plus they were watching "Despicable Me" anyway. Something has been on my mind and I really need to get it off my chest (sometimes the jokes are so easy). Someone recently said to me "you are such a beautiful person on the inside" and I can not stop thinking about it. My insides are far from beautiful. First, it's bloody and gross. I have had four kids and let me tell you they tore shit up. Then it had stupid dumb breast cancer lurking and growing. I have some ovary issues and, hell, my thyroid is out of whack causing issues that I do not even want to think about right now. Abnormal, normal... what's the difference at this point? Oh, point... yes I am getting to it.

 I get the whole 'beauty is only skin deep', it's 'what is on the inside that counts'. But for people battling cancer, their inside is a fucking mess. We do not like to think about what is inside, because that is what is causing the problems, not the outside. The beauty we show on the outside.

 Yes, Jennifer Ainston and Channing Tatum are attractive people, but I am talking about this beauty that is illuminating. I see those people (I mean I do not know them and I am sure they are deep, caring people) as a shell of beauty. Just another attractive person. I have this odd knack of reading auras and colors or glows people give off, really a curse but that is for another post. Here is who I see as truly beautiful......

 

This is Jackie, age 16, battling cancer with such incredible courage she radiates a bright orange. Her face, smile gives off such a light that you want to be around her. My 12 year old said "she is hot", I think amazing, but hell I am not 12. Plus she is hilarious! This is beauty.

http://boingboing.net/2012/04/18/when-life-hands-you-cancer-ma.html

This Xeni who tells the world she has, had and is going through breast cancer. Her expression tells the world her feelings, what we all are feeling she is beautiful strong to me . She is so supportive to so many yet I wonder if she realizes how her powerful pic really gets others through their rough time. She radiates purple, this is beauty.

http://boingboing.net/2012/08/21/for-aileen.html

This is Aileen who lost her battle with breast cancer but was still surrounded with so much love her dog had to get a kiss. Her intense beauty is so peaceful that must help her heavy hearted family. There is that whiteness around her if you look, this is beauty.

Click to enlarge.

http://mywifesfightwithbreastcancer.com/

Last, this is Jennifer who is pure love. She may have lost her battle with stupid dumb breast cancer but those eyes tell me she didn't lose love at all. She emits a positive pink glow of pure, unconditional love. I can not help but see how lovely she is in all her pictures, even the most painful ones. This is REAL beauty.

Having breast cancer has changed my thoughts on the "beauty within" bullshit. These incredible people shine beauty, eject it onto you just from a picture. Their beauty fills me with hope that the world will see beauty when they look at them, not from the inside but what their outer being is saying. Every person in these pictures astounds me in their courage, loyalty, peace and love. They are so beautiful to me!

Posted on August 30, 2012 by AnnMarie Giannino.

Pissed off!!

I'm so pissed I'm not sure I can type. You know when you're so mad you want to scream LOUD! I have to run some tests this week for my thyroid; I am sure it's fine, but now there is always the "rule out cancer" fucking bullshit. I am also going to see a GYN oncologist because of all my cysts and tumors that I have had to have scraped out in the past, got to be on top of ovarian cancer, WTF! Close a door only to open one that leads to.....NOWHERE (and I do not mean Nowhere City for you Syracuse people). BUT this is what another breast cancer friend had on her blog and she is as pissed as me......
Are you fucking kidding me??? Now let me state, I am loud, a little offensive, sometimes crude, even abrasive but you have got to be kidding! This is not sarcasm, this is fucked up. Do you want the pain I've been through? How about the stress of worrying if everything was going to be ok? Or the scars... you must want the scars? Wait, no nipple-s that's a plus? Must be not having any feeling in your tattas? I have been mutated (hand crafted really) to a point I do not recognize my body, it's changed and so have I.  What about Jennifer or Aileen who left this world too short because of stupid dumb mother fucking breast cancer?  Or the woman going through hard chemo/radiation that is sick, tired, and still fighting? Nice, real nice! Do not even get me started on the two body images in the pic!  And in the words of my husband, "it must have been a man". Stupid dumb breast cancer, UGH.
Posted on August 27, 2012 by AnnMarie Giannino.

Surgical glue...will it ever come off?

"Surgical glues (also called surgical sealants or adhesives) are used after a surgery or traumatic injury to bind together external or internal tissue. Surgical glues can be used in conjunction with or as an alternative to sutures and staples; they use a chemical bond to hold tissue together for healing or serve as a barrier to stop the flow of bodily fluids. The five main types of surgical glues are fibrin sealants, cyanoacrylates, collagen-based compounds, glutaraldehyde glues and hydrogels..."

Read more: Types of Surgical Glue | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/list_6048066_types-surgical-glue.html#i


Seriously, after reading that I am starting to wonder if it will ever come off. Not only am I still flaking off, but it's itchy as all hell. Isn't it bad enough I have to deal with these big fucking bricks (ie expander's from hell) in my chest that are suffocating me, but I want to itch my scars like a wild woman. Too bad I can't feel my chest to scratch it because I have no feeling in my chest!! I would love to lay on my side but the pain is still there and it's uncomfortable beyond words. I can't wait to get my first fill this week that should add to my bitch. Do not even get me going on coughing and sneezing, OUCH! BUT...... I am alive! The pain and itch tells me that. So, as much as I want to just wallow in self pity, I won't because of the women who have lost their battle. Really for all those fighting any cancer because all CANCER SUCKS!! I just will not let it suck the life out of me. That would be disrespectful to Jennifer, Aileen and any other person who has lost their battle.

So I will take the itch and be glad its not head lice. I will take the pain and be happy I feel. The surgical glue well I will deal for now but I won't like it. Rome wasn't built in a day, I need something to go on about.

Starting to plan for the Photo show in October, so make sure you check back this week for the date and info!
Posted on August 26, 2012 by AnnMarie Giannino.