Menopause is the new puberty, minus the sex drive….

Cancermenopause, yes it is a word. It is my word and do not even try to tell me different! Here is the deal, most woman hit menopause in stages. They gradually come on and you learn how to deal with them. They sometimes give you hormones to balance that all out as well. Then you get stupid dumb breast cancer and things change in the menopause world! When they take ALL your hormone out and you cannot have any hormone because you have a hormone cancer, you my friend are in full blown cancermenopause! I remember being in the hospital and about 7 hours after surgery the nurse said “have you had a hot flash?” I thought, there is no fucking way after 7 hours that would happen. AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!! I was sitting watching “Bridesmaids” with my girlfriends, nice and medicated from the pain pills, eating some firecracker chocolate (how apropos) when holy hot sauce the wave of heat came over me. It is literally like you are burning from the inside!! You instantly want to rip all your clothes off and jump in a bath of ice, would not have been a pretty sight since this was 28 hours post op!! No shit this happened that fast. Did I tell you I cry during “Walking Dead”, who does that? It is zombies and killing but when a walker dies it is water works, I mean they were someone’s loved one, wah wah wah! One minute I am super happy cause the kids are sleeping the next homicidal cause Tom left the cupboard door open then I am sobbing cause Anthony hugged me. I know you are thinking that is normal for me but sister I am telling you I do NOT CRY!!! The rest of that is normal do not leave the god damn cupboard doors open. I feel like I am on an emotion roller coaster. I swear to god Menopause is the new puberty! Can we talk hair GROWTH!!?? Most of my cancer girls are wishing their hair would come back in, trust me Denise you are not hairy at all, Cecile if I could give you my status on this I would. They took the estrogen out now my testosterone is on over drive. I need a haircut every other friggin week, I am shaving at an alarming pace and do not even look at my arms! Crap, I am full blood Italian I do not need any more damn hair!! The night sweats followed the night after the surgery. You wake up drenched in sweat and not wanting anything to touch you, sorry Tom! I now am basically sleeping naked cause that seems to help, again sorry Tom to make you get all hot and bothered. Wait that is what I am but not at all in the sexual way, UGH!!!! See it isn’t just night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings it is all the other shit that goes with it. Now one would think with all that testosterone I would be well, wanting to have lots of sex. NOPE! UGHHHHH, sex drive is in grandma speed. I love my husband and all he does for me, especially here. This is the one time I agree with my family, god bless Tom! WTF, took my boobs, my girl parts, my energy, left with scars, and now people sex drive is added to the list. Does anyone have any Viagra??

WOW I am a “blogger”

So I started this blog because my family is so fricking nosey I knew they would want every detail of my journey. When I started it I thought that just my friends and family would see it, so I didn’t give a rat’s ass how I worded things (Tom on the other hand cringes- effin teachers). I opted to not censor myself, keep the images real, I would not sugar coat anything; basically just me on the web! A loud ass, sarcastic as hell, full blooded Italian with STUPID DUMB BREAST CANCER. I never expected anyone to really read it.
Well, holy cancer cells Batman, this blog has had over 77,000 hits! If you Google "stupid dumb breast cancer", I come up and am the first 10 hits; my kids LOVE this (FYI I know you just tried it). I have people visit from all over the country, thanks to my friends in the Netherlands and Egypt, wow!! But more importantly I am helping to change how breast cancer is seen. I am making a difference. I am actually reaching men, women and friends of survivors and helping them through this beast. Guess college paid off, psych major here! Take the fund raising out ($23,810.00 raised and donated, sorry had to toot my own WEGO horn). It blows my mind that all this has happened because I got cancer. Hey Cancer, you picked the wrong princess!
Not only are people reading this, but they come back for more. They laugh with me and cry on the same page. They are relating to me because they hear heir own story in mine. Then to be named a finalist in the WEGO Hilarious health blogger, wow again! http://blog.wegohealth.com/2013/02/21/haawards-finalists-%E2%80%93-hilarious-health-activist-award/ I have to tell you I am ranked with some of the funniest bloggers. Damn it all to hell, I would love for any of them to win! BLAHAHAHAHAH who am I kidding? I want the crown. There is a crown involved, right???

BIG PROPS to my fellow finalists, whoot whoot (done with a fist pump) Check their blogs and tell them Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer sent you!
Chris Dean http://www.pixiecd.com/ Life
Alissa  http://www.breakingupwithcaptaincrunch.com/ Celiac disease
Bev Ribaudo http://parkinsonshumor.blogspot.com/    Parkinson Chato Stewart http://www.chatobstewart.com mental illness
Eric Rutulante http://lymebites.com/  Lyme
H. Alan Scott http://halanscott.com/ testicular cancer
Pamela Sloate http://dystoniamuse.com  Chronic Movement disorder
Pattie Hultquist http://www.lupusinterrupted.com/
Lupus Yvonne Desousa www.yvonnedesousa.com MS





 

Dear Stupid Dumb Lymphedema

Dear Lymphedema,

Hope this finds you feeling as crappy as you have left my arm. I just wanted to express my thoughts about our relationship. You have left me with a bum right arm; don’t you realize that is my smacking arm??? Let us first discus the work out aspect of our hateful relationship. Did you know I LOVE pushups and burpees?? Well I do and you have left me no choice but to do them the pansy way. I mean how dare you take my pushups away, they makes me feel like a badass when I have my feet on the wall and I am yelling at MC to do 5 more. I will get there just to piss you off.

Second let’s talk cooking; you must be a fucking idiot because I am the cook in the family. I flipped a grilled cheese last week (by grilled cheese I mean roasted jalapeño, cream cheese fakin bacon, apricot preserves on homemade bread, not some bullshit American cheese crap!!) the whole thing fell apart because I have no gripe in this god for saken swollen dumb ass arm/hand you left me with. Do not even get me started about cutting a loaf of bread!!

Third, there is the “do’s and don’ts”. Like do NOT cut your cuticle, oopss did that. No scented lotions are you kidding me I am a vanilla and black currant freak! Do not get IV, BP, or blood work in that arm, CRAP. Guess the whole hysterectomy with them taking my BP solely in that right arm screwed me?? Maintain an optimal weight, again crap I have gained 20+ pounds. And the one that pisses me off like no one’s business….”WEAR WELL-FITTING, PROPER SHOES”, you do realize that I am show obsessed, like the higher the better!!

In closing I would like to tell you what I am going to do. I am going to wear a cool ass, blinged out LympheDiva (http://www.lymphedivas.com/) compression sleeve and show my warrior sisters that Lymphedema has nothing on us. I am going to strengthen that arm and smack you back to next week. I am going to stay on this with my fabulous PT lady and keep you from getting into my life more. I will stomp you out with my heels (something need to stay the same). All in all I hope you do not get too comfortable in my life because I have no room for you swollen, painful ways!

Sincerely,

Ann Marie

AKA Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer ass kicker!

Brave

The best thing that happened to me during this dumb battle was my cancer connection group. I have met the most amazing men and women. We have all formed a bond on various social media sites and consider our friendship more like a family. Most of these people I have never had any contact with except on these sites, I won’t meet more than half of them. Yet I cannot imagine my day without being in contact with them. Some rock Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer shirts even though they didn’t have breast cancer just to show support!

I met one lady named Heather Owens, Fighting Fancy we call her. She sent me a bag filled with things to lift a cancer patient’s spirits. Heather has a great thing going because I know so many that have received this bag just when they needed it, mine came the day before my hysterectomy and made me feel like I was not alone, like someone was actually thinking about me that I have never met. It made me feel stronger. Please check all the great things this inspiring young woman has done!

http://fightingfancy.com/

Then came an email from Jill in Massachusetts. “I have an idea” it said. Well you know me and ideas, I told her to call me a.s.a.p. She thought the bags were inspiring, too. We talked and talked and talked some more and came up with lots of ideas. In talking, we found our lives, stories, and values to be very similar and knew this was the making a beautiful relationship. After listening and talking it over with her with excitement she asked if I was in. I said “OH HELL YES I AM”.

We have joined forces to create “

BRAVERY BAGS

”.

We will be making bags filled with water bottles, pillows, a tee shirt, and little things to lift spirits of those fighting the battle in our own communities! To start off they will be delivered by Jill and I in our communites, but who knows where this will lead.

We have chosen to not just sit by and wait as women and men are still BATTLING breast cancer. Neither one of us is a scientist or has any desire to get into research. We want to help people in our own community, to show them that some random person not only gets it, but is thinking of them.

We are both having a fundraiser in April 11

th

to raise money for these bags and will continue to have other fundraising events at the same time. We are planning to take “My Journey Through the Lumps” to the Boston area in July. We’ll have community events where children help make the bags and paint rocks with words like COURAGE on them. We will to deliver these bags to our local cancer centers by June.

We are planning on taking donations, 501 is in effect. We are PLANNING so much!

I could not be happier to be working with Jill. She is fabulous! Here is her story…..

Jill rocking the shirts that will be in the "Bravery Bags"

My name is Jill Greblick and in June of 2012 I learned I carry the Breast Cancer gene (BRCA2)

which means I am at high risk (87%) for getting breast cancer and (30%) for getting ovarian cancer. Folks in my position have 3 choices....1.) do nothing, 2.) get s

creened every 6 months or 3) have prophylactic surgeries to get rid of "at risk" tissue. I am not a person to wait and see so I decided to move forward with the surgeries. As a preoperative screening I had a mammogram which showed "something". I had a biopsy and it was all clear. In July, I had a breast MRI which was all clear. On September 24 I had my ovaries removed and the pathology showed atypical cells so the surgeon was glad I had them out. On October 18, I had a bilateral mastectomy directly into reconstruction. Yes, I have implants. I went back to my breast surgeon on November 1 and she walked in the room as white as a ghost (holding my pathology report). The next words out of her mouth were, "Jill, you have cancer." Wow...we didn't expect that...My husband didn't even come with me to the appt. The rest of that appointment was a blur because unless you have heard those 4 words you can't imagine the feeling. Anyway, when you have cancer written in your chart you go to another place medically. Off to my oncologist (Dr. Morganstern) I go. Both he and Dr. Duggan agreed, that we needed to see if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes (BTW the cancer was a very aggressive form (HER2+).....the fact that in July the MRI was clear and in October I had an invasive form of cancer speaks for itself). On November 26, I head back to the Operating Room for a lymph dissection. 9 nodes were taken out and they were all clear. Dr. Morganstern states several times in our visits that I was very lucky I did the surgeries when I did because in a couple of months later and we could be in a very different place. 

While I was going through my surgeries, I took comfort in some items my friends gave me. I loved the fuzzy socks, the pretty necklace, the functional water bottle that all my friends gave me.  I also, loved a small pillow (that was made for me by my girlfriends mother) that I could place anywhere to give relief from body parts rubbing against each other.  I was using it at 3:00 AM and thought everyone should have some items that bring them a bit of relief while they go through this, and Bravery Bags were born.  After going through the hardest thing I have ever been through I realized that I didn't want to go back to my old life....I knew I wanted to give back to others coming after me.  I read, Ann Marie's Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer Blog and realized she had the same feelings I did.  I emailed and asked her if she wanted to become partners and Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer Bravery Bags were born! The SDBC Bravery Bags will contain items that will bring comfort: fuzzy socks, "chick flick" DVD, a blanket, note cards, a water bottle, a "small pillow" etc.  No woman who receives our bags will ever feel alone....

PINK OUT, pure awesomenesssssssss

I wanted to do something that was unusual yet would raise some money. I wanted to show that fund raising can be a good time not stuffy. I wanted a celebration of life. I wanted to laugh. I wanted people to see that breast cancer is not your great aunt Ida’s problem that young mother’s are getting it. I wanted to raise money.   wanted to laugh, oh wait I said that but that was very important to me. We laughed and laughed hard. My family and friends have been dealing with a lot when it comes to my health and we needed this night for sure. We needed to SMILE, my face still hurts

Before I talk about the night I have to talk about Rain and Duke. Rain is a bar, yes gay by nature but full of acceptance. I have never felt anything but good vibes in there. I simply love the staff and the music rocks making it my favorite bar. DUKE!! Yes he is my hair dresser, fabu right?? But he is my friend and has been so supportive of this stupid dumb breast cancer. He wanted to do something besides your average donate. Duke filled Rain with balloons, life and QUEENS!! It was a lot of work and wasn’t cheap but I think a HUGE success. As of now we are over $2100, waiting on silent auction, photo booth and other items to give a grand total. Pretty good for a bunch fools “watching men dressed in woman’s clothes while they mouth the words to other people’s songs”, lol! Every single person on staff thanked me last night and asked if I had fun, these are good solid people, I do “love the gays” as Duke says.

The queens brought it out in full raunchy force. They were fun, entertaining and made us laugh hard. I loved looking around and seeing my gay friends mixed with my straight friends all laughing and singing. They made me so happy and for fuck’s sake I need a little happiness. Prepping was great, hair and make up by a 12 year old that looked fierce and sparkly, thanks RILEY!!! Going into Wegman’s looking like that and running into random people, priceless. Setting up with my girls and getting dressed in the bathroom makes me giggle. All my friends looking to help was just amazing. ALL the silent auction items, WOW we have such a generous community. The photo booth was a HUGE hot spot. Then the show. I am 100% sure Fayetteville will NEVER be the same again. I thought watching my friend Karen give the queens a tip was great, then my sister gave a tip and I about peed. BUT NOTHING NOT ONE SINGLE thing compares to my dad. He danced or better yet got engulfed by Darianne lake, WOW. My dad can dance, but when Darianne backed up into him I literally died!!! The crowd went nuts and I sat there so proud of my dad for going outside his element and letting lose. But you know why he did it, cause his princess was ALIVE. I am crying as I type this because my father is my everything. And seeing him laugh not for him but for me makes me speechless. That proved this night was about just living. There came a point where I thought we were going to have to restrain him. Andy said it best “Do you think he forgot they are men?” Still smiling!

 

 

Life is to short to not have fun. It is too short to judge or compare. Life is meant to be lived and that my friends is what cancer has taught me. Take a minute and check out the pictures and see for yourself what a bar filled with acceptance, a bunch of friends on a mission of awareness, some queens and a princess can do all in the name of STUPID DUMB BREAST CANCER!

http://centralny.ynn.com/content/top_stories/644374/drag-queens-raise-money-for-fight-against-breast-cancer/ Here is the link to the YNN spot, big props to them for featuring this!
http://jbassphoto.zenfolio.com/pink_out/h571B9310#h571b91e0http://jbassphoto.zenfolio.com/pink_out/h571B9310#h571b91e0 link to the photo booth pictures

BIG THANKS TO THE DONATIONS

• Duke at Kathleen & Company
• Rain Lounge
• James Bass Photography
• Genevieve Fridley Photograhy
• Bowl Mor
• Old Navy
• King David
• Patrick Fuller massage
• Fitness and Dance studio
• Sexy Momma by Pam Denton
• Lia Sophia necklace
• Michelle DaRin jewelry
• Mike’s TV and appliance
• Sam RAO Florist
• Thom Filicia
• The dog lived and so will I
• MC Strength and Fitness
• Heidi Boutique
• Sarah Hall Desgins
• Shrink Wrap yourself Patti Grifo
• Mr’s Kelder Cookies and Cakes
• Method 360
• Nain Nick Nacks
• Coach iPad cover, Kim Holmik
• bc restaurant
• Wild Center of Manlius
• Halo Tattoo
• Rain Lounge Basket
• Famous Artists
• Syracuse Stage
• Body Basics Massage
• Cathy’s Crystal Creations

Huff, ink and UGH

http://live.huffingtonpost.com/#r/segment/personal-ink-breast-cancer-pinterest-molly-ortwein/512f664e02a7601f8100038f
TWEET Tweet Tweet Tweet ok I admit it I do not know what the hell I am doing on Twitter. NO CLUE! Someone said maybe “we” are too old, oh hell no I am 29 remember? My little cousin tried to explain but I tuned him out because well frankly I do not care. I use it how I want to use it and the hell with the rules. So sometimes I RT, sometimes I tweet or quote or favorite sometimes I don’t. But Thursday I tweeted to my new favorite Pinterest page Personal P.ink http://pinterest.com/personalink/ . The page is amazing! It is site for mastectomy survivors to post, share, get ideas about INK!!! Yes, ink to cover, celebrate take over those scars we HATE.I got a RT (retweet for you fools who do not know Twitter) from Meg from Huffpost live. Huffpost live is part of Huffington Post but live news feed. They were doing a segment on Molly the badass who inspired her brother in law, Noel to start Personal P.ink. They wanted me to come on too! Huffpost is my fav news outlet, so I was all excited and honored. It was a pleasure to work with all involved and I think it made for an amazing piece, watch it and you be the judge! Of course you know me, this got my wheels turning and I really hope to work with Molly and Noel in the very near future. They just met me but you know how I am when I get an idea….   INK


Add caption

I started my chest piece this week. My friend DJ owns Halo tattoo and my ink master. He knows I have wanted to get this done since the doctors first cut into me. BUT he is a smart tattooist and told me no way not yet. I was bummed but he wants my scar tissue to heal some more. So I started the butterfly that Ben drew. “Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly”. Ben drew the butterfly so that the wings would not be the same, like a real butterfly. What he didn’t realize is that my breasts weren’t the same. The right was full of cancer, the left had a “probable benign’ spot (wtf I HATE that saying). The butterfly is over my right side were the cancer was growing. I feel like I am making my chest my own. I could not control this cancer growing or the mastectomy and these scars but I can control what they will look like. Molly has these gorgeous flowers that remind her of Brazil, a special place to her. That is just it special to HER, making her chest hers again. Will this take away the scars, make them unseen? NO but they make them OURS!! The breasts are fake anyways, like a blank canvas so way not paint away??? I really have to say did not feel much of it, except when I got to the breast bone. I actually told DJ I could fall asleep in the chair.   UGH So the Drag Show is tomorrow!!! And I waited until the last minute to get a dress, what the hell was I thinking?? Shoes I got, from an old friend who saw a pair in BUFFALO and she bought them for me and I love them. Friday night me and 3 friends hit Destiny USA. I had an idea in my messed up, scary, cancermenopause head of what I wanted. I wanted sparkly, loud, BRIGHT pink CHEESINEES. Could I find that, NO! Not for lack of trying, anyone who has been shopping with me knows I am an ADD spaz. I tried on lots but none were it. Since I have been nothing but honest here I will explain a few things. There was a whole list of reasons why I walked out of there without shit. 1. Those who think when you have cancer you lose weight are dumb asses! Sure some do but most pack on a few pounds. Like almost 20 for me. I am vertically challenged so it shows. I am trying on sizes I haven’t worn since I was friggin pregnant. 2. We were hungry as hell!!! Why didn’t we get something to eat, even a pretzel?? Oh wait I was leading the bunch and no food till we succeed; I need to change that rule. 3. The stupid dumb implants that stupid dumb breast cancer gave me do NOT squish, like at ALL. And believe me we tried very hard to squeeze them in. It does not work!! UGH 4. I had an idea in my head and I wasn’t finding it. I want PINK but you know what is out right now (besides Duke)?? CORAL it is everywhere. I hate coral. 5. It was now 9:15pm and everything was closing. I mean how dare the mall close when I needed a dress. Home, hungry, deflated and crying. Wasn’t about the dress at this point. It was about the change in my body that I couldn’t control yet am stuck with. It was about how cancer for a brief moment was sneaking back into my life and making me lose it. I know I will get the weight off but for now it is on and it sucks! I do not like waiting just ask my BFF’s. They tried so hard but I was beyond help in the end. My Mr. Fixit was so good to me making me a snack and watching The Walking Dead with me, he knows how to cheer his girl up! SOOOOO, after soccer, grocery shopping, pizza dough making, screaming at the kids and getting beer making supplies I set back out. Oy vey, I love to shop but this was nut-JcPenney, Sears, Dougherty Masquerade (do not laugh I almost rented a princess dress) Macy’s, Plato’s, Eco Chic (we do not do CHEESY), Off the Rack, DAVID’S BRIDAL (I was desperate), Boom Babies then back to Destiny (OMG stop the madness). Luckily I have an amazing friend and daughter who went with me. SOOOO we went to BeBe, Hot Topic, Saks, BCDG (yes Diana you happy??), and another bridal store, Cache and about 5 others I cannot remember. FINALLY found a dress and I let everyone get a soda and a pretzel. Is it what I imaged, nope not at all. But my posse says it looks good. Is it bright pink, no pale pink. My posse says it is the right look. Is it cheesy, sparkle?? Well stop by Rain Lounge tomorrow night and see. But for now this princess is exhausted and needs her beauty rest. I have a show to put on tomorrow. Crap I hope these Queens let me do a few numbers, I have the dress after all!

Cancer is a drag

We are days away from the PINK OUT and I still don't have a friggin dress, you know I got the shoes though, thanks to an old friend! The dress will be bought tonight, the pinker the better, the more sparkle the better! my hair is already pink:)
Why a drag show? Why not! Since when does fund raising have to be boring? Not when I'm involved. I want it to be a blast so you have no choice but to reach into your pockets and donate. There is no question about it I can throw a party and this will be over the top. I came to my good friend/hairdresser/bar owner Duke with a little idea for this and because he is Duke he brought in amazing talent. These queens are from Ru Paul's Drag Race, this is not some small town drag show this is the drag show. Rain Lounge is a place I have visited a few times, ok so what if they named the pole after me and the staff knows my drink, the place is perfect. It is about accepting people for who they are, no matter their differences. It is about loving someone in-spite of their differences. Doesn't that say enough! I am beyond thrilled to be sponsoring this show with my sweet friend Duke as the host. I just hope all the queens don't mind sharing the stage with a princess!
This event will benefit my new partner (more on that SOON) Cancer Connects. They are a local     organization that helps cancer patients through mentoring, support, and  massage therapy.   http://www.cancerconnects.org/ please check them out. I could not be more happy to be helping my local community.  I know that there will be a cure someday but I do not know if I will ever see that. I want to help my warrior friends NOW, who are battling and need support. Cancer Connects helps your whole being which is vital especially after. The other to benefit from the event is my race team CURE OR BUST. CNY Komen helps our community, free mammos being one of them http://centralnewyork.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SYR_CentralNewYorkAffiliate?team_id=234025&pg=team&fr_id=2850
Check out the team and while you are, join!

PINK OUT will be an amazing show no doubt. There will be a photo booth, cocktails and friends. The silent auction items are awesome and will raise us a ton of money. The shirts are pink and fabulous and only available at the event. So please come out, no pun intended. Join us as we show that cancer is a drag but we don't have to be a downer about it!

Happy Birthday to my Professor

For better or for worse.....yup covered those

In sickness and in health ......oh yeah that is covered

Till death do us part....ok no death right now

I have spent the last few days really thinking about my husband Tom. We have been together for 20 plus years, wow!!! We met through some friends that were getting hitched, Sean says it was instant chemistry and I agree. Tom knew what he was getting into, because when he met me for the first time I jumped out of the bushes to scare them. That was it, it was fast and we jumped into it head first. Did we do some crazy dumb things? Yes, but as of today it has all worked out. Like every relationship, it has been rocky, sometimes like Rocky Mountain high. We have fought hard to get where we are and I like it here, it is soft and cozy. I could sit here and type how great he is, what an amazing father he is, true friend, solid son (and son in law!) but that is all easy. And I want the reality, check it.

He loves me, completely with such intensity is scares me sometimes. He wants to always be my knight is shining armour (he knows I like sparkle). When I was first diagnosed, that was the hardest thing for him. He couldn't fix it. There was nothing he could do but watch. Yes, he was there for me and said kind words. He is a male so sometimes they were dumb, too, but all with the right intent. Yet he still couldn't make cancer go away and he hated that. I saw the anger and frustration but under that was love. When I want to cry I have his shoulders, when I need to punch he is ready, when I need to just be alone, well, he is working on that. I have a lot of great friends, a few best friends, but he is my needed friend. After all these years we have seen that we need to learn that- how to be there for each other. I am so proud of how he has seen this and done his job to make it happen. Everyone says "Bless Tom to put up with AM", I say that is true. I am a ball of fire to his calm ocean tide. Damn that was corny as hell! Yes we could not be more opposite, right down to how we grew up. Somehow it works, not always, but we are good at repair.

Happy Birthday to my.....ying to my yang, my spelling checker, grammer correcting fool, my stubborn mule, guitar playing, concert going, beer making, love me crazy but I like crazy and feel good there, my safe spot, my silverware drawer cleaning at the wrong time, waiting in the car, father of my pain in the ass kids who we both love no matter how many dumb things they do, my ahhhh he is home guy, my jesus christ pick up your socks before I snap man, my kisser, my TOM I can't reach something, my cupboards open, lights on, beared, lost his keys, where's my wallet, getting lost, we have to turn around I missed the exit MAN!! I am sure that sentence may just send him over the edge, MWAH:0)



Butterfly in the sky....

The way the words hit you when you hear "I'm sorry, it's cancer" is hard, the emotions that come after- hard, the hurt in your families face- hard, the surgeries/procedures/treatment- all hard. But the aftermath that cancer leaves is devastating. The change mentally is draining. I have major survivor guilt. How come I got out alive but Cindi was put to rest this week, it doesn't seem right. I am no better than any other warrior battling cancer, yet here I sit. This week I went out for the first time by myself, just to Target, but I was so excited. It was so strange, I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't even want to shop! wtf I am an extrovert, I will really be pissed if cancer changed me into an introvert!
Sex, well that is a joke right now. I know you are reading this saying TMI but the reality is that this is a common issue with cancer survivors. I will not go into full detail lets just say its unchartered water that needs boating lessons.....
The truth is all that is easy,  the physical change can leave you filled with hate. I have days when I can not stand this body. It makes me sick. I have gained weight, if one more person tells me they are doing TRX I'm gonna drop kick them. I want to be that badass work out bitch I was 6 months ago, damn Gina remember how much I was squatting?? I feel so incredibly weak it makes me feel deflated. I know it will take time but this has got to stop.
 The scars are just, well, they are there. Sometimes I'm all badass and hardcore like "ya my scars show I kicked cancers ass, I rock!". Then other days I just want them gone. I don't want to feel the scar tissue build up, the way my body keloids, the way my breasts are inanimate objects that mean NOTHING now. I want to actually have feeling in my chest!
This isn't a whine or a "woe is me cry", it is the truth. How I deal is by having events that raise money and awareness to stupid dumb breast cancer, and cancer in general. I want to make cancer awareness  a loud yell,  not a whisper. I want it heard, seen, understood, treated and CURED! The only way for this to happen is to keep talking about it. Just cause you are told are cancer free or your chemo ends or you are 3 years out of radiation doesn't mean you just go on with life. Cancer changes you to the core: physically, mentally, emotionally!

 This is my favorite quote and why on Tuesday I start the tattooing of my chest with a butterfly. No no no I didn't get cancer just to get more ink, it is just a cancer perk!

CURE OR BUST

RACE MODE activate! For the past 7 years I have been a part of the CNY Race for a Cure and loved every minute. The last 4 years we have been the biggest, badest team on the block rocking the private party pavilion, I am so not ready to relinquish that title, at least not this year. For 2 years we were the biggest fund raiser to boot. This team has been built on family and friends who just want to be supportive in the fight against breast cancer. The team has ALWAYS been a celebration of life- the lives battling, the lives surviving and the lives lost. I wanted women, young girls, men and young boys to walk away from the pink sea of survivors and feel the empowerment of what surviving meant. I know that I have always been moved by the survivor parade, the pink mass on stage and hearing the names called as they crossed the finish line.

Last year, I stood there with this lump in my breast wondering what the heck was going to happen! I was scared because my gut was telling me breast cancer. BUT as I stood there and watched the survivors, I turned to MC and said “No matter what I am wearing that pink next year”. The lumpectomy and the pathology report came back less then a  month after the race, frigging stupid dumb breast cancer. Making “taking two for the team” have even more meaning.

This year to date, we have raised just about $15,000.00 and are 169 members strong. There are 291 people total registered and we are 169 of them, cool right? Yes, but I want 500 people! Seriously I do, this year means so much to me. It is almost like a coming full circle. I want everyone to feel the incredible support that I have felt through this. I want this team to say “Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer, nice try but Princess Ann Marie is still here”. Please stop what you are doing and register (well finish reading then register!). It does not matter if you are in California, South Carolina, Canada or East Egypt, you can join us. I have plans for my out of towners!

 http://centralnewyork.info-komen.org/site/TR/RacefortheCure/SYR_CentralNewYorkAffiliate?team_id=234025&pg=team&fr_id=2850

So you are sitting there and thinking “UGH Komen”. Let us just put it right out there. My CNY Komen is what I am committed to, my Kate, Deb, Jess, Livvy and all the others that work so hard on the 75% of what is raised for our community. There are caring, resourceful, educated on breast health and committed to helping. They are what I stand for. If you look deep into every big organization you will find something you do not agree with, it is just a fact. Komen started out grassroots, and just like all those other fabulous organizations, they just got bigger. I think that says enough.

Come join my biggest party evah! Join the 169 that have already registered, come for the friendship and leave with pure inspiration. Don’t run? HAHAHA, come for the mimosas before the race and take a fabulous walk with your friends around the Fair. Women and girls over 13 celebrate with us at Twin Trees, I know you men want in, so sure! BUT you MUST wear a bra over your shirt and it HAS to be stuffed, I have been known to take mine off. Did I mention Elana’s famous jello shots?? Come and see just what it means to support, empower, inspire and SURVIVE!! If for no other reason, join me as I walk in the survivor parade with my sisters, stand on stage with my warriors, and cross that finish line with my family and friends as a SURVIOR!!!  Stop telling me you will register and DO IT.Watch the slide show and tell me who else has a team like us…CURE OR BUST BABY!!!