Vacation all I ever wanted....

my man!!!

Yup that fanily

Jello is our staple

Sand in my toes, junk food in the bags, girl magazines ready, Patron in effect, J E L L O,  metal detector ready for action and NO DRAINS!! This is going to be a great vacation add the 3 bottles of "Cheezy Does It" and it will be amazing. Seriously last year was plain awful (singing a little Annie to this I hope). Sure we laughed a lot but I was in so much pain coming a week off my mastectomy. I couldn't help the way I normally do actually I do tend to take over. I was simply exhausted by the time we left the beach that it the only thing I could do was sit. Don't get me wrong I barked orders just fine but I am a doer. I mean poor Megan had to carry 50 pound sand bags and lets face she weighs 100 pounds wet! Rosie can barely handle the Jell-O shots without me and I was too tired to really help. Ok I will admit it we are "that family" on the beach you know the one. With the cabana, music, 6 coolers, 12 chairs, soccer net, enough food to feed the beach, and loud very loud. Last year though we were all a little more toned down, no really we were. We were waiting on my pathology report, waiting good times. My famil was so nice to me, helping me, not letting me do squat. I am pretty sure that will change this year and I am so happy to be back to normal. Whatever normal is! 

I can't wait for coconut ice cream at Sundae School, lobstah rolls from Arnold's, bone fire on the beach with our friends, bocce ball and getting my sun on! I know how exciting it is to go away, how you need it. But this year we REALLY need it. Not just from stupid dumb breast cancer but from stupid dumb heart attack too. I brought my dad to the Cape 15 years ago and we have been going ever since. Cape Cod is our happy place. Not just because its lovely but because some of our favorite people are there with us.  And this year we are adding my nephew too, boy is in for it. These are the  people that make me happy even when they are pissing me off, people that no matter what still treat me like a princess. Crap I hope I packed my tiara!

Hope, Live, Love



Coconut Ice Cream for the nuts!



My King

My side kick






Mid-Western BFF Birthday

Sometimes someone pops into your life and you have no idea what direction the relationship will have. Years ago I met Genevieve and I thought she is nice but I will be real friends. As time went on we got closer and closer sharing personal experiences and dark secrets (I think she once said she was a spy shhhhh). Funny how this loud mouth Italian became so close with this quiet Mid-Western girl. She was that friend that stood by me through this whole journey not  leaving me side. Even when there was blood, scars and drains. She healed heal me through her photos in a way that I do not think she even understands. She made me feel like I was going to be ok through those pictures. Those photos then inspired and empowered and encouraged and helped so many other woman. I don’t think Genevieve will ever understand the magnitude of these pictures and I hope she will never have to. I am not only so happy to have her as my friend, I am so proud that she is my BFF. Thanks “G” for everything you have done. I am so happy your parents decided to have sex and make you. Happy birthday to my Mid-Western BFF.

Mastectomyversary?

Here we go

Cancer is a funny thing. You have your DX anniversary, your cancer free anniversary, your first chemo, your last chemo, rads and any drug your started anniversary, your surgery anniversary and whatever hell else you make up. Some are easy and you barely notice them or they just make you smile. Then there are the ones that remind you of what really altered you. For me that is today.

Hugs not drugs, wait I need the drugs

I keep holding back tears yet I am not sure what I am crying for, The fact I am here and this year was tougher but made me tougher (as if I needed help). The fact that my body has changed so much it has made me a self-conscience freak (as if I needed to fly my freak flag more). Or is it the loss of body parts that I find myself for no other word, sad. Unless you lost a body part you cannot understand the feeling. I wish I had the fancy shamancy words to help those who have never experienced it but I don’t, I only have made up ones to drive Tom and Jennifer nuts. That is really the thing, there are not any right words it’s just a feeling. You are so happy that the part is gone because it tried to poison your body, but shit you are sad they are gone. Then you are thrilled to be alive yet pissed off that this is happening and you cannot control it. It is a roller coaster for sure. OMG that is it I am calling it the “viper” emotion. I am simply brilliant. Applause now please! I remember surgery day so well. Getting up after absolutely no sleep whatsoever, talking to Alissa all night long,  Sammy boy crying himself to sleep holding my hand, Meg half asleep telling me she loved me, MC pulling up to pick us up in the darkness of the morning, the ride there and the check in. Seeing my dad and how strong he was trying not cry (for those new to this show I had a no crying rule). This was major for my dad, major. My badass brother coming into the room hugging and running literally out the door because he was going to cry (he came back a little drunk and cried a little). G-Deb trying hard to not cry but sneaking out for coffee when I knew what she was doing. Genevieve snapping shots that I thought were funny yet not really understanding the impact of what these pictures were going to do to me. My sister showed up late which was perfect for 2 reasons, “that’s Lori” and there was no way she could do the no crying rule. MC, well there are no words none. She was right there not leaving me and joking the entire time just what I needed. Then there was Tom, fool ate a full breakfast right in front me the ass. He couldn’t look me in the eyes I knew why; he was so scared and didn’t want me to see. This was not just an in and out surgery and the uncertainty was intense. When we did look at each other just enough to understand. Then waking up. Drugged, in pain wondering what the hell you look like. The drains that no one can prepare you for what they feel, smell like. How you are so nervous yet the drugs make you so confuse those emotions. Walking for the first time, no memory yet I have pictures to prove I did. the nurses were great and I will never for them especially Emily. Funny how a stranger can give you so much love and care. Seeing my kids via FaceTime, loved that just loved it. They got to see I was ok and I was. Wondering what the hell was next and having no control over it. I can look back on this day and be proud for sure. It turned my life around. I feel like my journey has helped others so much and for that I will take 2 for the team. I can also be pissed that this journey has given me low self-esteem and broke my heart. I can be so happy that I am alive and beating up cancer (we all know the journey doesn’t end with the last “whatever”). I can be guilt ridden that I am alive when so many have taken wings. I can be empowered by their amazing courage too. I can be depressed that this journey has showed me so many amazing people that have lost their battle. I can also be overcome with sheer glee (yes I said glee now shut the front door) that I have made some of the best or breast friends of my life. This journey has taught me just who my friends are and how amazing the really are. It has brought my family even closer (almost to the scary creeper side) than I ever imagined. So how can I argue with that? Yet I still cry and really if you are reading this and have never experienced cancer at its finest you cannot get it. I am so happy yet I want to cry on this day like a big ol’ friggin baby. There is no doubt that we all experience cancer different but I will tell you this part is how it just is. I know so many survivors struggling with this and it sucks the big cancer stick. Stupid dumb breast cancer, ARGGGG!! Today will come and go and I will be fine. I will flip through these pictures and remember where I was, how far I have come and what is still down this long ass fucking bumpy road. Maybe I will cry, maybe I will smile or even laugh just a little. Whatever I do this is my journey and I will do it my way like or leave the page but don’t hate. I will do it in stilettos, a tiara and a pink boa (just for my militant friends)!

Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer: It just hit me you have breast cancer

I was all set to write a new post then I decided to read last year's one. So as I type I am crying. Yes I have come a LONGGGG way but to think about this time last year overwhelms me. The emotions, the anger, the fright comes all rushing back. When I say fright I mean like scared shit less could die not Freddy Kruger in the boiler room.  I will never forget that and I do not want to. I want to remember how I felt so I can help all those joining the club, this horrible loving supportive cancer club.

Last year this time I was stressing real stress as I prepared for surgery. I cannot believe it has been a year, it seems like yesterday…….

Stupid Dumb Breast Cancer: It just hit me you have breast cancer: Design by Margret Says my girlfriend who has been with me every step of the way, dumb ass DUH! You know when you need to be injected wit...

Run for Life



Right before surgery my girlfriends signed my chest with LOVE

I have been thinking non stop about this Melissa Etheridge song and I always attribute it to Race for the Cure. It really isn't about literally running a race to me. It is about running for life. DUH, I know the title is “I Run for Life” but I was thinking in the walk/race sense.
It has been almost a year since they cut into my body (July 20) yet the pain isn't miles behind me. That mirror is a reminder about where I was, how far I came and what is still in store.  The fear is still a fierce beast roaring into my ear every now and then. Not just for me but I am talking for all my warrior friends no matter their cancer. I keep on spreading the word because it is the hope I need to comfort my fellow warriors. It keeps me whole and keeps me sane which we all know is a hard task.  I am still learning so much about cancer, the gift that keeps on giving. The emotional part the doctors forget to tell you and the after effects that I think get brushed under the carpet.  The pain of the scars, anxiety that it will come back, the fear that my friends will die, the happiness that I am alive, the guilt that I am still here and how to cope with all those emotions in every day life. That is the darkness that you start to possess.
There is no doubt that cancer cuts into your body but your soul?? Yes wise ass I have a soul. It did cut into my soul but my family, friends, Cancer Connection peeps healed that and made it stronger. Through them and all those angels that have taken wings we RUN! Not for a walk/race but for LIFE. Those that enter this horribly yet beautiful club, it doesn’t matter the cancer to our warriors we are all running together. For Talia, Andrew, Lola, Lara, Ciel, DeeAnn, Jen, Ashley, Nancy, Anne Marie, Anne, Scorchy, Jenny, Jeri, Maria, Lauren, Heather, Scott, Jackie, Bridget, Zach, Kathy, Norma, Molly and all the others I have grown to call my friends we together with those who love and support us come out of the darkness and shine on. So remember if the darkness comes to you there is a whole team running for you, for your sister, your wife, your friend running for answers.  Wearing a tiara of course!
I Run for Life
It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life
It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken it's toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life
And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother your sister your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life
Ohohohoh
I run for your mother your sister your daughter your wife
I run for you and me my friend:| I run for life

Just keeping it interesting

No shit

I just don't even know where to begin. Lets start with what makes me mad then we can get to what pisses me off part. I went to the plastic surgeon today. I actually wasn't too nervous because I needed them to look at my scars. They are red, swollen, painful and just not right. I knew something had to be done because my Patrick Fuller couldn't do much more with the massaging they hurt horrible. He even tried a little cupping, OUCH!!!  I am not a wimp I'm a lot of other things but not a wimp. So she decided to try injections, great a needle!  She did about 7 pricks and wow fucking wow. My eyes watered, I felt nothing but nerve pain. I know you are saying "but you can't feel anything" it's not the same it's more like pain in the skin. She wanted to do more but I physically couldn't handle it. I know wimp, pansy, wuss call me whatever that shit hurt. I am not to touch or massage the area for over a week, ha it hurts so bad right now there is no way in hell I am touching it. Tom better not even think about it. So if that doesn't work maybe laser or surgery to fix the scars but first we need to figure out what's going on with these implants. I'm sorry come again....

For weeks I have been bitching these implants have been in my arm pits, they have been choking me, didn't feel right, looked too fake but I blew it off because it must just be how it is supposed to be. They are fake boobs after all they aren't meant to be real BUT my PS is the man for boobs and these aren't comfortable. I even thought about not having any taking them out completely that is how uncomfortable they are.

Well guess what .... They are not right. They are shifting to my arm pits, they are "dimpling" at the right breast, you can actually see/feel the implant and they are too rounded not sitting right. So bye fucking bye! Yup you heard me another surgery. They are coming out before I have arm pit boobs, who the hell wants those except circus freaks (no comments here!) September 20 I just can't believe it. I could leave it but really they are not right and shifting, who wants that! Easy cancer my left tit! there is no such thing. Are you glad I am done? I swear if you say that to me I will clock you and by clock I mean punch directly in the face even if I have to stand on a stool. 

Back to the drawing board. I'm a work in progress. Under construction. Being a mess is exhausting. All I can can say is this will require some bad ass heels, this princess is think Jimmy! Or Christian! Or Tory! So many options. 

Time to honor the daddy-o's

First let me say that my heart goes out to all those who are missing their fathers today. I know your pain all too well. These made up holidays suck. It is crazy how a Hallmark holiday can make you so sad. I will not say all those stupid comments like "enjoy your kids", "remember the good times" or it gets easier. All that crap is just crap when your heart hurts. Losing someone especially a parent is hard and really doesn't get easier. Second I am sorry that this post is about a made up holiday but my dad is awesome so I have to. 

My father is far from perfect, way far. Our whole life he has been an emotional basket case. He thinks and acts with his emotions before calming down. But the truth is he has taught us to have emotions not to be cold heart jerks who don't know how to feel.  He loves completely sometimes making it hard to discipline his wild children. Car crashes, boy chasing, pot smoking, fights, teeth knocked out, drunks, sneaking out, dropping out, breast cancer, divorces you name it we got. Believe me this wasn't all me I have never been divorced! I don't think we were ever grounded, ever and believe me we should have been. What he has taught us is to love our children no matter what they are going through. He taught us to be there for them and stand by their side with nothing but love. We  didn't  grow up rich but boy we never wanted for a thing my father always put our needs first. Sure we all should have had major therapy after my mom died but the love he gave us  while he was suffering got us through. There is the one thing he did that was vital to who we are now is he loved our mother. There is this saying "The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother", my dad did that beyond words. Beyond the regular love, beyond the simple "I love you". He showed us love and respect really that is what you need most in life that is what you need to give! I don't think this love comes around a lot but he had it and that love reflected on us. It is the one thing I can never fault him for. I think that is why he can love Deb too, he has a lot of love to give. Just ask any of our friends who all consider him a dad. Better yet ask Tom, Karen or Jon if they use the term "father-in-law" or just father.

 

As a grandfather he is perfect!!! Anthony wrote a card the other day and it said.  "You are the greatest grandfather that ever there was", honestly he is. If you ask Matt he will tell you just that, ask Nicole and she will confirm. Jess will only brag even more and Lowell will add to it. Ben will tell you how awesome he is and it will be the only time him and Sam agree. Julian will tell you he was the one who told Anthony that Pa is their Pa and he is all they need. He comes to soccer, track, swim, volleyball, concerts everything. He does it because he wants to not because he has to. Everyone knows and loves Pa because he is the ultimate grandfather. Our children are so spoiled and lucky. The best thing is they know that he is awesome and love him right back. We have the coolest family don't hate, hahahah.

I have to end this with my husband as a dad. We have totally different parenting styles I am a yeller he is not. But like my dad he loves our boys and does it unconditionally and believe me they are royal  pains. The real thing is  like my father he love his wife. Is it a perfect love, no but it's real and solid. I hope one day my boys see the love their father gives me and gives it to their partner. If they ever leave us that is.  I hope they treat them like royalty just like my knight treats his princess. Well, most of the time!

 

 

Scared for life forever empowered

This blog post has been in my head which is a scary place for a while now, maybe even since the day I was DX. I need for those who do not “get it” to maybe really see it. Cancer changes you there is no doubt. The changes are physical and emotional which make for a very intense journey. It takes your body and mutilates, deforms, scars and transforms it into a foreign being.  It takes what you knew to be you and makes it into someone else. It is really like living in someone else's body. I cannot express to you how scary this is to live in a body you don't know or can even feel. Wrapped up not knowing to what to expect is so frightening. I was in shock and needed to see what the doctors only tell you yet never show. They show you what you those great pictures of what you  will look like after but never during. I sought out webpages like Scar Project to show me what was going to happen to me. I was empowered by these women and their strength. I needed to see their scars, tears and support to see I was going to heal.  I found Kerry Mansfield and cried hard. I was talking to Alissa at 1am and freaking out that my body was going to do that! How can this be happening? How was I going to be ok? I was scared yet comforted by these images. It took the unknown out of the picture for me.  She was still standing, she was alive and she was stronger now. I had no idea what was going to happen after this but these pictured helped me beyond words. When Genevieve Fridley took them it was helping me even then. We had no idea what we were going to do with them or if we would ever show them. I kept thinking of the images I saw and how they helped me, could these pictures help others? “My Journey Through the Lumps” was then created. Over 550 people came to see all the graphic, uncensored pictures and we raised over $12,000.00. Who would have thought?  I was vulnerable revealing myself like that yet I felt powerful too. I wanted people to see what the real side to cancer was, I wanted them to see the pain because I didn't "look sick". I am lucky that Genevieve isn't just an amazing photographer but one of my best friends. My girlfriend Karen looked at me and said “I had no idea what you went through”. That was exactly the message I want to send. You can slap a pink ribbon on breast cancer and call it awareness but that is not what cancer is about. I love PINK just love it, boas, ribbons, sparkly things that are pink, tattoos that have ribbons all of it. I am what is behind that image. This is life, this is my life. Facebook called these images pornographic/offensive and wanted them removed. Seriously?? There are images and pages on there that are over the top crude and beyond offensive yet they are still up and not getting any attention. My friend Sarcastic Boob was not going to stand for this. She made up a petition and urged people to sign it. Through Change.org over 20,000 people agreed! Facebook saw the importance of this and overturned it. The news spread yesterday and ABC posted an article. This is the movement I wanted from the day I posted my first picture. I am proud to be apart of this yet at the same time pissed people still are telling me these images are pure nudity. I just can not wrap my head around that. There is such an intense reality to the change in my body. I try on my clothes and they don’t fit the same. It isn't just the weight that I have gained because of cancer, nothing like losing body parts yet gaining 20 pounds. It is about the scars that hurt so badly, the alien body that is now mine and the loss of feeling in my breasts. I do not feel sexy or sexual, cancer changed that. Having a full hysterectomy did not help. I feel like a hollow woman with no feeling in her breasts. When the boys are asleep at night and Tom is snoring next me I cry, a lot. I hate what cancer has done to my body and my friends. I cry because there was nothing I can do about it. I am healing and that is a long process these images are showing that the scars take time to heal it doesn’t happen overnight. They also show strength, courage and power. Not porn, never porn. Healing is what the images show and anyone that thinks otherwise is a dumb ass. Thank you Facebook, David Jay, Scorchy Barrington and all the woman who live with these scars. This is what the pink ribbon should be about, this is awareness, this is LIFE. It is now my reality and I am making a difference with my pink breast friends next to me. This to me proves that stupid dumb breast cancer will never have me! After all my tiara didn’t fall off once, I remain a princess with a pink boa and stilettos and a whole different look on life.

Cancer does not define you but it sure changes you

For those just tuning in this post is about last year and my diagnosis with that thing called cancer.......
After my lumpectomy I really wanted to believe there was no problem. Doctor thought it was just papilloma no problem. Tom was going to take the day off, why that is silly there is no problem.  No I just needed to go to my appointment to check it out there was no problem. MC wanted to come, there was no problem so no need. Got there fast and they took me right away, there really was no problem. In walked my doctor, path report in her hand, serious look on her face, PROBLEM. I remember her saying she had to look at my path report a few times and couldn't believe it was me. I said “Because I have cancer.” “Yes, you have cancer”. It was sort of a blur as to what she said next, shit I should have had Tom take the day off, MC should be there cause I have no idea what the hell she is saying, shit shit shit my dad was watching Julian. I walked out of the office thinking what the mother fuck just happened. I seriously wanted to tell the person in the elevator next to me but thought they may think that was odd. I was walking to my car and my phone rings, Nikki calling to check on the appointment. I sat in my car telling her what they just told me. She said "well they have to send it off to a lab, maybe in Maryland" UMMMMMM this is the lab report from Maryland! She kept looking for the silver lining, yet having a hard time finding one. At the same time her voice was a comfort to me.

I drove out in a fog and pulled into Kohl's parking lot to find a disbelieving MC. She sat in the car reading the report with that WTF look. Off to tell my dad next. I asked him to call my sister and brother I didn't feel like dealing. BRIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG my brother called. Yup it is true, WTF. Texted Tom CALL ME ASAP, "what's up?" CANCER that is what is up. I walked in and out of stores that day in a fog. I wanted to shout to everyone "I HAVE CANCER" yet I wanted no one to know. Telling the kids was so hard. I felt like we had lied to them saying it was nothing now it was something. I sent an email out to people and would you believe people thought I was joking! I mean I know I am a wise ass but come on. Then the blog was born! 96,000 views later here we are. It was then time to make decisions, doctor appointments and face reality.

The fact was I felt great and was in excellent shape. I ate pretty damn good and exercised. On the outside I was doing everything right but inside was having a cancer party, who invited that dumb ass! Cancer does not care what you are doing right but I will say that it does help in battling the beast. It doesn't care what you have going on in your life or how difficult your life has been so far. It does not care who you are, your race, sexual preference, gender NOTHING. It is very open minded and hateful at the same time.

I wish this never happened yes. But truthfully it has also brought me closer with some amazing friends that are more like my sisters. I am friends with people all over the world who I never would have met had I not been DX. It has brought my family even closer, was that even possible? It has taught my kids a lesson in life even though I wish it hadn't it has made them stronger. Cancer has helped me help so many others battling. It also has shown my breast to a lot and I mean a lot of people. So, while I do not feel cancer defines me or anyone it definitely changes you. Some for the better some for the worse, I tend to think I am better. My filter button was a little wobbly cancer broke that shit off.

Today I have thought a lot about this year and how my world changed so much. I am still so tired, not sure how to catch up on all that lost sleep. I have gained weight yet lost body parts, how is that fair!? I am scared physically and not sure that the emotional scares will heal any time soon. Physically, emotionally changed for sure but still no matter what and in spite if cancer a princess and don't you forget it.

G-Deb + Pa = FAMILY

When I was a little girl I didn’t want my dad to really “date” anyone. For no other reason than I didn’t want to share his attention. My brother and sister are 9 and 10 years older than me so my dad and I spent a lot of time together just us. He would sing “Me and my shadow” because I followed him everywhere (guess Julian is my payback!). Trust me my dad dated in his day, he was a stud and a major flirt so ladies love him. So it is not like we didn’t see a few ladies come and go, but the fact is no one could put up with him. I remember one girlfriend trying to win my heart said: “Wouldn’t’ it be great if your dad and I got married”, “NO I like things just the way they are”, was my reply and I did. You have to understand that my dad lost his wife tragically at 35 when his family was just starting out. He was all of a sudden without his love and with 3 young kids, so he comes with some serious baggage. Plus there is us kids to have to contend with, we are not the easiest bunch!

  I was pregnant with Sam (almost 11 years ago) and my dad met someone. He wanted me to stop by the park to see her and give my opinion. Really, while I am hormonal, man was he brave. So, Tom, Ben and I went down and met Deb very casually. HMMMMMMM she is YOUNG, but nice I guess. Little by little Deb would make an appearance at different family gathers, seeming to be nervous I am sure my brother didn’t help, he can be intimidating. I thought she was OK at the time but would she last that was the real test. My sister well let’s just say it was hard, she remembers my mom and dad together but she wasn’t opposed to the idea of them either. Over the years we got to know this caring, kind, loving woman. Deb actually loves my dad, like really loves him! She understands that my dad will never stop loving my mother and she is respectful of that. She understands that he has a HUGE heart and there is room for her in there. She gets that we are a family and there is nothing stronger. I actually think she needs us too which makes us take her in even more. Deb will bend over backwards and do anything for us and it all comes from her heart. When I was diagnosed she said she wished it was her and knowing Deb I know she meant that, I wished it was no one. I love the fact we have been going to the Cape for the past 10 years, what memories we have made!

 Last year, I encouraged my dad to put a ring on her finger; PHEW I was scared I was going to have to care for him. He was a nervous wreck, but that Christmas Day before church he gave her a little purse and inside was a ring. They came over to celebrate and popped champagne! Anthony made a comment that he thought Deb “took care of Pa” and while I found that hilarious after this past week I realize it to be true. I am so thankful for Deb, for her and my dad living together, for her love for him, her love for all of us really. I never knew my mother and I am certainly not looking to replace her, no one could do that. But having Deb in my life is the next best thing.

  Tomorrow is Deb’s birthday, 50 and I hope it is a great year. Happy Birthday to our G-Deb! We love you and are so proud to have you part of this wacky family. You must really love us to stay in it after the year we have had!