Home again

Home, kids fighting, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping...ahhhhh LIFE!!! Back in the saddle and its bittersweet. I feel better for sure and will enjoy this week free of doctor appointments and getting kids ready for school (it is the most WONDERFUL time of the year!!). Tried to drive yesterday, bad idea, Sam was freaking and it was just to Target but very difficult, WTF I need to get out!! The trip was fun but I must admit limited. It sucked not being able to do what I wanted without pain. The constant Jell-O shots helped greatly as did my personal bartender Meg. I had some fluid build up and had to sling my arm, not fun but I stopped me from using that arm, good thing it matched it matched my suit (always fashion forward). I am so not looking forward to the fills, DD here I come, NOT! Nor am I looking forward to the implant surgery, I want to work out and I mean WORK OUT to were I puke. DO not give me the "almost there", "look how far you have come", "next year will be better" bullshit because I know this but I am living it NOW. I have to keep my head in the days that are now so I can get through them then over them. One thing I always said about Race for the Cure and why some team numbers go down is this, people think that after the process you are finished with "all that cancer shit". I knew this not to be true that is why I have always pushed people to still join. SOOOO, here is what you need to keep in mind. Women who have fought and won still have medication to take, scars to look at and an ever changed body. The stupid dumb breast cancer does not go away it is always reminding us. There are woman finding their lump right now and their long, lumpy process has just begun. And those woman who have lost the fucking battle, well their family is living with that pain right now. So, in honor and memory of these beautiful, courageous woman my fight is just gearing up! Please mark your calenders for all the upcoming events, fund raisers and the RACE as I blog them. This battle is not just mine, but I am willing to be the pusher, I enjoy it so much. This is the year of celebrating life, fighting for a cure and honoring my breast cancer angels!

Another day, another breath

All good things must come to an end

Well, I knew that the end was coming, it's just accepting it now. What an amazing week!? The weather was absolutely perfect. I did as much relaxing as I possibly could handle and even more eating than I wanted. Tomorrow we are off to the chip factory and the brewery (the kids are so excited!!), then back to the beach and dinner at our traditional restaurant. Honestly, I do not want to leave, more than usual. I've taken a break from breast cancer these past 10 days, well except when I didn't feel my bathing suit top feel down and the beach saw my frankenstein scars but who cares! The reality of the expanders getting filled and implants going in is sinking in. I'm still sore and in some pain but it's better and these appointments are just followed by more discomfort. I want to do a fucking push up!! So tomorrow I will say good bye to Cape Cod and be thankful that for the last few days it gave me a break from stupid dumb breast cancer.

Good times

We are enjoying the sunshine weather has been amazing, picking blueberries Tommy made a killer blueberry pie last night, drinking Cape Cod beer filled 4 growlers on friday and I think they have to go back, doing jello shots Patron and lime jello YUM, yelling at each other come on we are Italian it is like talking, Megan caught a big ass fish that Tommy cooked up to perfect, visiting with friends who are 16 and are almost 6 feet tall, had a pedi by Salon da sloppy MG, and eating a lot I may need an intervention when I get home! Looking forward to another fanfrakingtastic day on the beach. For all you grammar correcting fools that want to correct me, I know that was a run on sentence but it was just how I want it and I am currently recovering from kicking stupid dumb breast cancer's ass and I can have my way so bite it!

Cape Cod AHHHHHH

 

This is my favorite spot on earth. It just makes me smile like a real smile. We are here with our cousins, my dad, G-Deb, and our friends will be here tomorrow. The boys have caught crabs (no no do not go there), sea stars, some huge fish and other crawly things and that was just half a day on the beach. It is dinner time and like always too much food and booze. I will sit on my ass and tell them what to do, just like always. Of course, if another cup of ping pong balls fall on my head or kitchen sprayer soaks me or I sit on a farting cushion I am going to smack someone, HARD! Good days ahead, hitting Welfleet tomorrow, mmmmmmm OYSTERS!!!

Yesterday versus Today

Yesterday was plain awful but that's not now that's then!  Sorry a little musical Annie today, just be glad you aren't here to HEAR it, you know I love to sing like a cat in heat and dying. I was pissed, exhausted, annoyed, and weepy (yes weepy). I had myself a day of crying it out with some good girlfriends, 8 kids, a husband, and some long distant friends. I hate crying it makes me feel like a pansy, but my peeps made me feel strong. I am pissed that breast cancer has messed up my summer, changed and mutilated my body, has made me so effin tired, and has controlled me. I want to sit in the sun and watch my kids play. I want to make them dinner. I want to not look down and see my body so altered. I want to do more than go get cleaned up without being exhausted.  I want to say when I go on vacation. I WANT AN UMPALOMPA!!!! I sat yesterday and cried and had my hand held and my girlfriends say they were thankful I was finally letting it out, boy did I release it yesterday. I love that people want to help me through this but its hard unless you have been through it or have boobs. So, please bare  (chested only) with me and just stand by my side until the weepy bitch is gone and the regular bitch is back (I could have sung Elton John here but I do not want to go over board). But today..........

THE DRAINS AND OUT!!!!! HIPPEE KI AYYYY MO FO. I could not be happier, really thrilled. Cape Cod here we come, ohhhhh yeahhhhhhhhh

Time of Your Life

That was the song playing in the room while I had only 2 fucking drains pulled, I mean how apropos. I totally get the reasons why they only pulled 2 but it does not mean I have to be happy about it.  It felt weird and gross and made Genevieve a little sick I think (now that is a friend!!). The one side did not hurt but the left cause it is so tender, WOOZA! I go to my breast care doctor tomorrow and hopefully she pulls the other 2. If NOT then I guess I am that woman on the beach! I think I am taking embarrassing my kids to another level.  My friend's mom lives on the Cape and is a nurse so if worse comes to worse she can pull them because I am days away from them getting pulled and I really need to go. Am I nuts I ask you?? Well, couple of things here...YES I am, but she is a very experienced nurse and I trust her.  Not so sure Tom is thrilled about it. She is a hard ass so she won't pull them by me begging. YET, I go way back with this woman and I think she may find joy in it, like a lot of JOY!! So I guess my point in all this is I will know tomorrow if I will be drain free.

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable but in the end
It's right I hope you've had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

Sunday Dinner

Through thick and thin it is your family that sustains you. With love, support and in my family's case nourishment. Thanks so much to my spectacular cousin, Heather who provided an Italian Sunday fest! She even went to Lyncourt Bakery for half moons and bread. She even made pizzelles. She even brought fried calamari. She even brought Greens (OK Bunny made them but she dropped them off and they were delish I almost ate the whole tray). She brought love. We have played paper dolls as little girls and waitress with each other for the aunties as they played cards, we have partied HARD, watched each other go off to college, get married even had babies at the same time, spent EVERY New Year's day together, and we have so much more to see and do as a family. Of course, we will do them  as the old aunties with her "B" size saggy boobs and my REAL "B" perky ones, but mostly we will always be there for each other. Heather is a sweet woman and I am proud to call her family!

The good the bad and the drains

Cancer free is fantastic but shit balls I am still hurting. It is crazy to be so elated with great news yet still have trouble doing push ups (hahahah kidding but I wonder how many thought no she didn't?). This entry is a hodge podge of thoughts, all this sitting on my ass (as it grows) watching Teen Mom has given me lots of opportunity to come up with ideas, reflections, complaints and a lot of gratitude.

I am slowly and methodically planning the Race for the Cure 2013, registration is October 1st so once that team is set up, watch out! I warned my girls at Komen that they may want one of the buildings set aside for Cure or Bust not the pavilion. I am looking for more responsibilities there as well. I want to get my story out so someone else can say early detection saved their life. A random person emailed me yesterday telling me my blog changed her outlook on breast cancer. It pushed her to get mammos set up for her and her 3 daughters even though there is no stupid dumb breast cancer in her family. That is what I am talking about!! I have been thinking about what can be done with the pictures Genevieve has taken (by the way here is her web link  http://www.genphotos.com/ please check out her work). I want women to look at me as I journey through the lumps and think, "I can beat this". I really want to start a support group, my background is psychology and lets face it I am always psycho analyzing people in my head. I want this to combo exercise and healthy eating and am happy to say I have enough people to turn to for help.

I am so sick of drains! Never have they been fun, except when I threaten the kids that I will make them drain them. They are gross, uncomfortable and just annoying. When they come out I will feel much better and have less to bitch about. It is a win win situation.

Putting myself aside this has been hard on my family. Now remember full blooded Italian here so by family I mean "mi familia" everyone. My dad and G-Deb want to help and have done a great job of carting kids around but staying away too. I am sure the 1st task is great for them the 2nd difficult. My dad brought his sweet  90+ Monsignor friend over yesterday to bless me. Or perform an exorcism, you decide. My sister is just waiting for me to give her a job to do, I have come up with some but none have made her feel useful. Looks like its time to get the toilet scrubber out. My brother!!!  What can I say, he is here every morning with bagels or donuts talking about when he changed my diapers. He can change my drains if he wants!! Tom has been Mr. Mom and has been so good at maintaining my level of anal retentiveness. He has conceded that he realizes just how much I do and I think it will stick. It has been a long week and we are both ready for Cape Cod. The boys just want normal. Julian told me "Momma I want the boys to go back to school", which in kids words is "WTF I want you all to myself". My cousins have been calling, emailing (like 50 a day from one person and you know who you are), texts and cards is crazy but makes me smile every time. But most of all getting inked! My cousin Rosie who has been there through all my ups and downs, similar to that of a roller coaster and her daughter who I have been there for through all her ups and downs similar to ME, both got inked!!! They may have been exempt from hair shaving.

My girlfriends, there are no words. The food and grocery shopping for us has been nourishing and delish. Let it be known there has not been a bad meal, we all know what a food snob  I am and these bitches have delivered! The support, coffee stops, tears and love have been what is getting me through this. That and friends who come over and insist on taking the garbage out, cleaning the counters and vacuuming. It's friends that are my sisters that leave me speechless, boy are they happy about that! Each one in their support has come to be a different friend. Which makes me turn to them for different needs. The bitch friend, the let me see your boobs and take a picture after you have been mutilated, the silver lining friend, the WTF can happen now friend, the 2am and I need to talk friend... you all know your part and believe me I love you all so much. Even my BFF in California has been so helpful. There is nothing like staying up till 2am talking, laughing, crying with someone that has known you a lifetime. Who you have helped through hard times and in her voice hear how much she feels like she is not helping. You do not have to be in my living room to help. That being said let us not forget the pity prizes, just saying woman just saying. Even a rock is calming to me, by that I mean semi precious stones embedded in a piece is jewelry. Or bedazzled shoes!!!

Genevieve came over last night to capture some family moments. As I sat there it wasn't just about the pictures. I have 4 boys who I know will look back on this and say "mom rocked" but my girlfriends girls are so important to me. When Nikki stopped over I saw in her girls' eyes relief. They knew I was alright but to see it was happy for them. It didn't stop them from trying on my shoes and eating my grub! I love them like they were my girls. I watched as the boys and their very good girlfriends sat and watched TV, they talked about being scared and crying over things, they sat together on the couch without being concerned about boy/girl crap...they were there for each other. I want my "daughters" to be proud of there 2nd Mommy and remember this as they grow into beautiful women to check their boobies!!!
Guess I wasn't so speechless after all.....

HOME

really says it all, check the kids in the window

I love this pic, the beauty of friendship and the ugly of breast cancer together and fighting and winning!

Tired but not even close to defeated

G

Put your cutting shears AWAY!!!

Did someone say.......CURED???? Oh yeah my oncologist said it, hell yeah baby. I am so happy, relieved, excited, and other emotions I can not explain. I will need checks but no chemo baby. You can all rest assure you will not have to shave your hair. Still maintain a good cut and highlight regularly, but no baldness for us. Thanks to everyone who held my hand through this I know I squeeze hard and the support was incredible. I feel sort of like it was "fake cancer" but there really is nothing fake about what I am going through, well with exception to my boobs now. There is a long road ahead but one that is not filled with more cancer, chemo and radition I will never stop sayng this...EARLY DETECTION SAVED MY LIFE! Had I been so involved in Komen and what it teaches I may have a different outcome. I will be the poster girl for this cause forever, so be ready to celebrate my life, a life as a stupid breast cancer survivor. WHOOT WHOOT!!!! I can't fist pump it still hurts:)

Proud to call myself a survivor

First, let me start by saying I meet with the oncologist TOMORROW. Until then I do not have any reports back and will hopefully have all that info after the appointment. So stop friggin asking me! A friend just dropped off beautiful flowers (the card read "get better big mouth") and a ton of candy. She asked about chemo and I said I was unsure but hopeful I was in the clear. She told me how great I will look in short hair (perfect thing to say!), to which I said "if I have to go bald all my friends are too". To which she replied "we aren't that good of friends", I needed that truth! I am still cracking up here.

I got the pictures from Genevieve of yesterday. Her artistic eye is unreal. As much as I look like the Bride of Frankenstein she made them beautiful. Wait she made me look beautiful when I feel anything but. I want other breast cancer woman to see me and think "damn breast cancer looks good on her". I want them to know they are not alone, that it hurts like a bitch is scary as hell and looks like a shit (at first, I was promised this is not the outcome and I affirmed that if it was I was suing) but they have people to turn to and lean on that have gone through this. I will add these picture to the tab above and do not click it if you think it's too much. To me it is what it is and I'm proud that I'm fighting hard, OK and a little whinny at times but shit it's stupid dumb breast cancer! I will stand with my head up, shoulders back and high heels on as you look at my road to recovery. I am speechless at these pictures and I think they speak volumes, so brace yourself, there will be no comments. I am keeping my big mouth closed.....